What is my Purpose?
Are we called to our children and families?
Are we called to our vocation?
Are we called to ministry?
While we are called to fulfill certain roles in life, the answer to the question of our purpose goes much deeper: We are called into relationship with Jesus Christ and to be formed into His image.
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 (RSV) says:
Isaiah 42:5-7 (MSG) says,
But yet we often live our lives like they are about what we achieve and accomplish in the world’s eyes. We scurry around frantically trying to complete more, do more, and be more. We are so busy doing and getting somewhere that we get absorbed in the craziness of life. We get caught up with striving to please ourselves, striving to please others, and striving to please God and lose sight of our true purpose.
Colossians 3:2 (MSG)
Sometimes you don’t even have to get to the top of the ladder to realize that it is leaning against the wrong wall. About five years ago, my boss was promoted to Director of Finance. At the time she was promoted, she promoted me and assigned me additional responsibility for the accounting departments she had been managing. She also treated my like her second in charge. She communicated that there would be opportunity for further promotion later on. Given this, she would ask me to fill in for her at meetings, take some of the load off her by taking over several projects, and cover for her when she was on vacation.
Eventually, three and ahalf years later she was promoted and decided that she needed someone to step into the role she had been doing. Rather than giving me the opportunity, she hired a good friend of hers for the position. I was incredibly disappointed. Mainly because I had been doing the extra work not with a heart of what I could contribute, build or create, but rather what I was going to get from it – a promotion with more money and authority. It wasn’t until I didn’t get the position that I was able to realize what I wanted was really empty and vain.
God spoke to me this on several occasions. He told me not to gaze at the red wine (Proverbs 23:1a), i.e. not to gaze on my own desires. He also told me “Better an armload with tranquility than both arms full of effort and feeding on the wind” (Ecclesiastes 4:6). But at the time I was not really listening, I only heard what I wanted.
Even when we make mistakes God demonstrates so much grace, generosity and love. By not getting the promotion, I ended up nominated and accepted into a year long leadership development program. The program helped me to grow significantly in my abilities to develop others. I was given two incredible coaches who have devoted their careers to developing others. Developing people is an area that I have found I have a real passion for and receive a great deal of satisfaction from. I would have never realized this if I had kept seeking after another promotion and getting ahead for myself.
People pleasers often give in to others in relationships rather than truly considering whether their demands are reasonable.2 These people are very accommodating and often care more about avoiding conflict than truly doing what is right.
People pleasers avoid conflict and over-accommodate for a variety of reasons. Dr. Jay Earley lists several reasons in his article on The People Pleaser Pattern. One reason is training. Some people are trained to be compliant by their families and society. Another reason people try to please others is in attempt to be loved. These are people who often received conditional love growing up. Fear can also play a huge factor in people pleasing. People may be afraid of being criticized, judged and/or angrily attacked. They could also be afraid of losing their relationship if they rock the boat and do not comply. Finally, low self esteem or a feeling that others know better than you what is right can cause one to be over accommodating.
I have also seen people be over accommodating for spiritual reasons. While we are to prefer our neighbor to ourselves, at times people will take this scripture to an extreme and become a doormat to others thinking that preferring others means we should accommodate peoples every whim.
Another scripture taken to the extreme that can result in people pleasing is Hebrews 13:17, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account.” While this scripture is very valid and appropriate when it is taken in context, taken to the extreme, some people believe this means mindlessly doing whatever you are told by leaders over you. Submitting to the authority of leaders does not mean doing what you are told without question. Instead, it means yielding first and foremost to the Word of God and then to the authorities God has placed in your life. It requires discernment and accurately dividing the Word of truth. It is our individual responsibility to act in a way that is reflective of the Word of truth.
As much as I hate to admit it, people-pleasing is an area that I strugle with. God has spoken to me about it on several occasions. “You desire approval to feel at ease” is something He told me in a poem several years ago when I was a new Christian. He also gave me Isaiah 51 at around the same time: “Why are you afraid of a man, who must die; of a human being, who will wither like grass? You have forgotten Adonai, your maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth?” (Isaiah 51:12b-13a).
I would like to say that sense then, I have grown spiritually and am completely over people pleasing. But I think it would be more true to say that I am in a continual process of becoming. I realize that I need to stand up and speak what is right rather than avoid a conflict. I can also say that I am becoming a little more comfortable and at ease with conflict. However, I still have an accommodating style of dealing with conflict to a greater extent than I would like – especially when it comes to my close friends and family relationships.
The best advice I ever received on the topic came from my Pastor, David Johnson. He writes in his book Joy Comes in the Mourning that Peacemakers are not appeasers, rather they “will move right into the middle of conflict with the courage to resist, confront, disagree and obey God in order to get real peace” (pg. 178). He also writes, “We can only get real peace through complete candor… It confronts that which is real and exposes that which is false. It is never easy, but always results in genuine peace” (pg. 177).
Other times our intentions can be good. We may be striving hard to please God. However, as we strive to please God, we never feel like we are doing enough for him. Often people find themselves caught in a cycle of working to please God. Serving God to get closer to Him, be more spiritual or earn his approval is not living out of the fullness of the grace of God. We are already as accepted and loved by God as we will ever be. His acceptance cannot be earned.
In the book, True Faced, it talks about pleasing God as a motive as says:
Striving to please God is all about the works that we do. It is about how well we perform and how much we do for God. While trusting God comes from a heart of obedience, humility and brokenness. Trusting God is not in our own efforts but in His. As a result the fruit is true godliness and gratitude to God for His work rather than self-righteousness over all what we have accomplished for Him.
Near the beginning of this year I was asked to coordinate an international women’s conference for about 250 women because the person who was responsible for it had to back out due to a family emergency. I had never been in charge of a ministry event before so it felt completely beyond me. I knew God spoke to me about it so I trusted Him and stepped out and did it anyways. God met me there. Rather than having a sense of self-righteous accomplishment for my work, I felt such overwhelming gratitude how it all came together and how He changed me in the process.
While I have had some success, striving to please God has been a hard area for me to overcome. It seems so much easier to jump through all the right hoops and perform than it does to trust God and let Him be God in my life. I am a typical type A achiever personality who is well organized, likes to look competent and accomplish all the tasks I so neatly write out on my to-do lists. It is so easy to get caught up in these things and start working to please God. Yet I am accomplishing nothing if I am keeping score or working from a motive to please God in order to be accepted and approved by Him. It is keeping me from the real work of the Lord - the inner work of letting him touch my family, deal with my sin, adjust my spending habits, etc. so that I can really be effective for him. The accomplishing something for the Lord will be the overflowing fruit of having let God do the work in me and my personal life. Otherwise it is being busy with nothing but "empty-headed religion." And I have done enough of that.
Are we called to our vocation?
Are we called to ministry?
While we are called to fulfill certain roles in life, the answer to the question of our purpose goes much deeper: We are called into relationship with Jesus Christ and to be formed into His image.
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 (RSV) says:
In this incredible relationship we are called to love and be loved; to know God and others and be known by them; and, to courageously live in the light and bring that light to others."To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his call, and may fulfill every good resolve and work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ."
Isaiah 42:5-7 (MSG) says,
"God’s Message,
The God who created the cosmos, stretched out the skies,
Laid out the earth and all that grows from it,
Who breathes life into earth’s people,
Makes them alive with his own life:
'I am God. I have called you to live right and well.
I have taken responsibility for you, kept you safe.
I have set you among my people to bind them to me,
And provided you as a lighthouse to the nations,
To make a start at bringing people into the open,
into the light:
Opening blind eyes,
Releasing prisoners from dungeons,
Emptying the dark prisons.'"
But yet we often live our lives like they are about what we achieve and accomplish in the world’s eyes. We scurry around frantically trying to complete more, do more, and be more. We are so busy doing and getting somewhere that we get absorbed in the craziness of life. We get caught up with striving to please ourselves, striving to please others, and striving to please God and lose sight of our true purpose.
Colossians 3:2 (MSG)
"Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around. Christ- that is where the action is. See things from His perspective."
Striving to Please Ourselves
We can work our entire lives at a frantic pace for our ambitions only to find that they are worthless. Robert E Quinn says in his book, Building the Bridge as You Walk on It, “For those people, work will always be first and foremost about what they get – the fame, fortune, power, adulation, etc. Work will never be about what they build, create, or contribute.”
Solomon talks about the results of pursuing his own ambitions in Ecclesiastes 2:11 (KJV):
"Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun."
Steven Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People often refers to this as climbing a ladder and getting to the top only to find that it is leaning against the wrong wall.
Sometimes you don’t even have to get to the top of the ladder to realize that it is leaning against the wrong wall. About five years ago, my boss was promoted to Director of Finance. At the time she was promoted, she promoted me and assigned me additional responsibility for the accounting departments she had been managing. She also treated my like her second in charge. She communicated that there would be opportunity for further promotion later on. Given this, she would ask me to fill in for her at meetings, take some of the load off her by taking over several projects, and cover for her when she was on vacation.
Eventually, three and ahalf years later she was promoted and decided that she needed someone to step into the role she had been doing. Rather than giving me the opportunity, she hired a good friend of hers for the position. I was incredibly disappointed. Mainly because I had been doing the extra work not with a heart of what I could contribute, build or create, but rather what I was going to get from it – a promotion with more money and authority. It wasn’t until I didn’t get the position that I was able to realize what I wanted was really empty and vain.
God spoke to me this on several occasions. He told me not to gaze at the red wine (Proverbs 23:1a), i.e. not to gaze on my own desires. He also told me “Better an armload with tranquility than both arms full of effort and feeding on the wind” (Ecclesiastes 4:6). But at the time I was not really listening, I only heard what I wanted.
Even when we make mistakes God demonstrates so much grace, generosity and love. By not getting the promotion, I ended up nominated and accepted into a year long leadership development program. The program helped me to grow significantly in my abilities to develop others. I was given two incredible coaches who have devoted their careers to developing others. Developing people is an area that I have found I have a real passion for and receive a great deal of satisfaction from. I would have never realized this if I had kept seeking after another promotion and getting ahead for myself.
Striving to Please Others
Besides striving to please ourselves through pursuit of our own ambitions, we can fall into the trap of striving to please other people. What does it look like to strive to please others? People pleasers have a hard time saying no or setting limits. They have a tendency to avoid conflict. They want other people’s approval and more importantly, to avoid disapproval. They have a hard time not giving in to someone who is asking for something. People who people please have much difficulty expressing their feelings, desires or opinions.1
Besides striving to please ourselves through pursuit of our own ambitions, we can fall into the trap of striving to please other people. What does it look like to strive to please others? People pleasers have a hard time saying no or setting limits. They have a tendency to avoid conflict. They want other people’s approval and more importantly, to avoid disapproval. They have a hard time not giving in to someone who is asking for something. People who people please have much difficulty expressing their feelings, desires or opinions.1
People pleasers often give in to others in relationships rather than truly considering whether their demands are reasonable.2 These people are very accommodating and often care more about avoiding conflict than truly doing what is right.
People pleasers avoid conflict and over-accommodate for a variety of reasons. Dr. Jay Earley lists several reasons in his article on The People Pleaser Pattern. One reason is training. Some people are trained to be compliant by their families and society. Another reason people try to please others is in attempt to be loved. These are people who often received conditional love growing up. Fear can also play a huge factor in people pleasing. People may be afraid of being criticized, judged and/or angrily attacked. They could also be afraid of losing their relationship if they rock the boat and do not comply. Finally, low self esteem or a feeling that others know better than you what is right can cause one to be over accommodating.
I have also seen people be over accommodating for spiritual reasons. While we are to prefer our neighbor to ourselves, at times people will take this scripture to an extreme and become a doormat to others thinking that preferring others means we should accommodate peoples every whim.
Another scripture taken to the extreme that can result in people pleasing is Hebrews 13:17, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account.” While this scripture is very valid and appropriate when it is taken in context, taken to the extreme, some people believe this means mindlessly doing whatever you are told by leaders over you. Submitting to the authority of leaders does not mean doing what you are told without question. Instead, it means yielding first and foremost to the Word of God and then to the authorities God has placed in your life. It requires discernment and accurately dividing the Word of truth. It is our individual responsibility to act in a way that is reflective of the Word of truth.
As much as I hate to admit it, people-pleasing is an area that I strugle with. God has spoken to me about it on several occasions. “You desire approval to feel at ease” is something He told me in a poem several years ago when I was a new Christian. He also gave me Isaiah 51 at around the same time: “Why are you afraid of a man, who must die; of a human being, who will wither like grass? You have forgotten Adonai, your maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth?” (Isaiah 51:12b-13a).
I would like to say that sense then, I have grown spiritually and am completely over people pleasing. But I think it would be more true to say that I am in a continual process of becoming. I realize that I need to stand up and speak what is right rather than avoid a conflict. I can also say that I am becoming a little more comfortable and at ease with conflict. However, I still have an accommodating style of dealing with conflict to a greater extent than I would like – especially when it comes to my close friends and family relationships.
The best advice I ever received on the topic came from my Pastor, David Johnson. He writes in his book Joy Comes in the Mourning that Peacemakers are not appeasers, rather they “will move right into the middle of conflict with the courage to resist, confront, disagree and obey God in order to get real peace” (pg. 178). He also writes, “We can only get real peace through complete candor… It confronts that which is real and exposes that which is false. It is never easy, but always results in genuine peace” (pg. 177).
Striving to Please God
Other times our intentions can be good. We may be striving hard to please God. However, as we strive to please God, we never feel like we are doing enough for him. Often people find themselves caught in a cycle of working to please God. Serving God to get closer to Him, be more spiritual or earn his approval is not living out of the fullness of the grace of God. We are already as accepted and loved by God as we will ever be. His acceptance cannot be earned.
In the book, True Faced, it talks about pleasing God as a motive as says:
“Pleasing God is an incredibly good longing. It will always be. But it can’t be our primary motivation or it will imprison our hearts. Pleasing God is not a means to our personal godliness, it is the fruit of our godliness – for it is the fruit of trust. We will never please God through our efforts to become godly. Rather, we will only please God – and become godly- when we trust God.”
Striving to please God is all about the works that we do. It is about how well we perform and how much we do for God. While trusting God comes from a heart of obedience, humility and brokenness. Trusting God is not in our own efforts but in His. As a result the fruit is true godliness and gratitude to God for His work rather than self-righteousness over all what we have accomplished for Him.
Near the beginning of this year I was asked to coordinate an international women’s conference for about 250 women because the person who was responsible for it had to back out due to a family emergency. I had never been in charge of a ministry event before so it felt completely beyond me. I knew God spoke to me about it so I trusted Him and stepped out and did it anyways. God met me there. Rather than having a sense of self-righteous accomplishment for my work, I felt such overwhelming gratitude how it all came together and how He changed me in the process.
While I have had some success, striving to please God has been a hard area for me to overcome. It seems so much easier to jump through all the right hoops and perform than it does to trust God and let Him be God in my life. I am a typical type A achiever personality who is well organized, likes to look competent and accomplish all the tasks I so neatly write out on my to-do lists. It is so easy to get caught up in these things and start working to please God. Yet I am accomplishing nothing if I am keeping score or working from a motive to please God in order to be accepted and approved by Him. It is keeping me from the real work of the Lord - the inner work of letting him touch my family, deal with my sin, adjust my spending habits, etc. so that I can really be effective for him. The accomplishing something for the Lord will be the overflowing fruit of having let God do the work in me and my personal life. Otherwise it is being busy with nothing but "empty-headed religion." And I have done enough of that.
Romans 3:27-28 says:
"What we’ve learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We’ve finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting Him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade."
Being God Centered
To truly be God centered, it starts with slowing down and connecting to God and our true purpose.
Spending time daily in prayer, meditation and scripture readings will help you to slow down and connect to God. He will help you to be in line with what is really important in your life and order your steps accordingly. He is the source of love, peace, and all you need for daily living. A.W. Tozer in his book The Pursuit of God: The Human Thirst for the Divine, writes, “The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One.”
Practices of soaking in God’s presence such as Centering Prayer where you quiet yourself in prayer and come into the Lord’s presence and Lectio Divina where you meditate and reflect on the Word, can be used to help you learn to still yourself before the Lord. The goals of these practices are to enter deeper levels of spiritual intimacy and build on your love relationship with the Lord. The key is to just be with the Lord once you are in His presence, not being quick to move on or give into the feeling that you need to be doing something. (If you are interested in learning more about Centering Prayer or Lectio Divina, one of my favorite books that covers these topics is Transformed into Fire, by Judith Hougen.)
When we slow down and connect with God and with our true purpose, we learn to truly live.
Romans 6:22-23 says:
"But now that you’ve found you don’t have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God’s gift is real life, delivered by Jesus, our Master."
1 Earley, Dr. Jay. The People Pleaser Pattern. http://www.earley.org/Patterns/people_Pleaser.htm. Pg. 2
2 Earley, Dr. Jay. The People Pleaser Pattern. http://www.earley.org/Patterns/people_Pleaser.htm. Pg. 2
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