“He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked” (1 John 2:6)
2 John 4-6,
“I rejoiced greatly that I have found some of your children walking in the truth, as we received commandment from the Father. And now I plead with you, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment to you, but that which we have had from the beginning: that we love one another. This is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, that as you have heard from the beginning, you should walk in it.”
Walk is the Greek word peripateo, Strongs #4043. It refers to the state one is living, to conduct oneself, and/or to be occupied with. [1] Walking speaks of putting one's beliefs into action. A phrase we would often say in AA when I was involved many years ago was, “walk the walk, don't just talk the talk.”
Coming back to what I wrote last week, James says that faith without works is dead (James 2:26). He notes, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” (James 1:22).
John was looking for the believers to have heard the truth, believed it, and then put it into action in their lives. John also tied closely together walking in the truth and walking in love. He noted that the commandment which they had from the beginning was to love one another.
Jesus told the Jews that believed he was sent by the Father in John 8:31-32, “If you abide in [live by, continue in, remain faithful to] My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
Truth, is the Greek word aletheia, Strongs #225. Truth is defined as those things that are certain, or a reality. Truth is also a candour of mind which is free from sway, personal agendas, pretense, falsehood, manipulation, or deceit. [2]
Jesus is the truth: “He is 'the God of truth' (Is. 65:16).”
The Word of God is also truth: "the entirety of Your word is truth' (119:160)."
The Father is truth: “Because of His perfect nature and will, God has to speak and act in truth; He cannot lie (1 Sam. 15:29; Heb. 6:18; James 1:17–18).”
And, the Holy Spirit is “the Spirit of truth” (John 14:17) that guides Christians into all truth (John 16:13). [3]
This source writes, “God is truth; the Spirit is truth; and Jesus is truth. Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me' (John 14:6). Jesus and the revelation the Spirit of truth gave through His apostles are the final, ultimate revelation and definition of truth about God, people, redemption, history, and the world. 'The law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ' (John 1:17).” [4]
When Jesus walked the earth, He was full of grace and truth (John 1:14) and told the truth He heard from God (John 8:40).[4]
God desires us to be rooted in the truth. David notes in Psalm 51:6, “Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts...” Truth is the basis for a lifestyle that pleases God (Psalm 25:5, 10; 26:3). [5] In Psalm 15:1-2 David asks the Lord, “Who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill?” And he answers, “He who walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart.”
Amos 3:3 asks how two can walk together unless they be agreed? One must be in alignment with the truth (walking in the truth) to walk with God.
The saying on the Medallions back when I was in AA years ago was, “To Thine Own Self Be True.” Too often, we wear masks, trying to create an image and we don't let others know who we are. In most cases, we live our lives pretending, achieving and trying to obtain significance because we don't know who we are either. What we do know, we often don't like because we fell our weaknesses don't portray who we want to be.
Judy Hougen, in her book “Transformed by Fire” calls projecting an image the 'false self.' She writes, “The false self is the self created outside of the mind of God, the self that seeks existence apart from God. The false self is a facade we construct in order to gain love and acceptance in the world, a mask of counterfeit adequacy. This mask is constructed of all the characteristics and qualities that we fiercely clutch as ours and want others to believe that we posses. It is our unreal identity, controlling and defining us.”[6]
In Matthew 5:16, 48 Jesus says to His disciples, “Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.... In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”
When we pretend and wear masks with others, we are unable to truly love them or be loved by them. Love requires us to move towards others, be open and vulnerable with others and take risks. It is much easier to stand a distance away and create an image for others to admire, but it is a lonely way to live.
Living an open and transparent life before God requires trust in God. We stop hiding and presenting an image. Instead, we begin dealing with our stuff and being honest about who we are, what we believe and where we are at.
This requires a place of grace where we can be real and still be accepted for our weaknesses. When others judge, highlight and/or criticize us for our weaknesses it breeds pretending and hiding. When we begin to receive acceptance despite our limitations, we can let down our guard.
It is in the place of receiving God's grace for our weaknesses that we grow in our ability to accept ourselves with our limitations. We need to give ourselves and others grace for our weaknesses. We are all growing and becoming. Rather than hiding and pretending, we confess and repent when we sin knowing it is not who we truly want to be.
As Judy Hougen notes, as one heals from hiding and presenting false images, one grows in self-acceptance. She writes that self-acceptance emerges from dwelling in God's presence. And goes on to state, “But the crux of the healing of self-image and the emerging of our true selves is the receiving and giving of God's love." (7)
When one is living in the true-self, they are at ease with themselves and others. They can rest in the love of God and share it with those around them. They need not be doing but are comfortable with being – being with God and others. Rather than competing with others for significance, one becomes free to serve their brothers in love.
“Your blessed when you're content with just who you are – no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.”
One of the ways that I can tell if I am operating out of the false self or true self is what I am thinking when I walk into a room of people. When I am experiencing feelings of insecurity and not resting in the love of God, I am looking for being accepted and received by others. When I am resting in the love of God, rather than being concerned with being accepted, I am free to be available to God in meeting other's needs and embracing others.
Over busyness is also a cue for me that I may be operating out of the false self. Because I am trying to please others, I am busy trying to meet their expectations and serve them. As a result, I become stressed and overworked.
Fran Barker writes, “The times I've overworked and made myself and everyone else miserable, it's been because I needed people's appreciation, or their pity, or their admiration too much. I was trying to prove I was worth something by my hard work... But when service becomes a pain, or a means of personal gain, then the service needs to be curtailed for the sake of the higher good of resting in Christ's presence. God called you to be His beloved, not His beast of burden.” [8]
Another thing that happens when we begin living in the true self rather than the false self, is we become more aware of our own emotional cues. We start to notice and be able to process our gut reactions we may otherwise ignore.
When our focus is on pleasing those around us, our responses are geared toward their reaction. We may ignore cues that something isn't quite right for us rather than deal with it and risk conflict. What they need from us may be confrontation, but when we are seeking to please others, we may appease them instead by going along.
For example, sometimes when I am talking with someone who is hurting emotionally, I may let them go around in circles and ruminate on something too long. My gut may be saying that it is time to help them to move forward and perhaps, on few occasions, confront them about sitting in their emotional response way too long. Often, self pity and feelings of victimization can come from someone dwelling too long in what happened to them.
When I am operating out of the false self, and overly concerned about their approval or comfort, I fail to confront and help them get up and move forward in love. I ignore, stuff and hide my gut reaction of frustration with them for ruminating and sitting in their pain for way too long.
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”
I fail to hold them responsible for their thoughts, actions or decisions to their detriment. I will also fail to help them see responsibility for consequences they are experiencing in their life from poor choices. Dr. Henry Cloud notes that we may privately endure the pain of someone's irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and others – information that would be helpful to their soul. [9]
It takes courage and patience to speak the truth to others. However, it must also be done as members of ones own body -in love. Sometimes people use speaking the truth as an opportunity to vent their negative emotions, criticisms and/or frustrations at the expense of others. This is worse and more painful than not speaking up at all because it causes harm to another.
Dr. Henry Cloud notes that our feelings should neither be ignored or placed in charge. We should be aware of our feelings and own them. As he notes, the Good Samaritan's pity moved him to go to the injured Israelite (Luke 10:33). [10]
When we own our feelings, we can begin to ask ourselves why we are feeling the way we are and what issue our feelings may be pointing to. Sometimes our feelings (such as anger) may be due to our own self-centeredness that needs to be owned and put to death. Other times a feeling of anger can signal to us that someone is violating our boundaries and we need to establish some limits.
When we are focused on pleasing others or gaining their approval, we will often miss what is best for them. Pleasing others is really about ourselves – we are trying to meet our needs for love, acceptance and/or significance from the other person. And trying to get these needs met from others rather than God is idolatry and will never truly satisfy us.
Rather, over time we may feel used and resentful. Dr. Henry Cloud notes, making decisions based upon others' approval or guilt breeds resentment. [11] This is especially true if we feel coerced by the other person.
Pressure can be the result of others coercion, but it can also be self induced feelings of guilt or obligation (feelings that 'I should'). Dr. Henry Cloud goes on to write, “We have been so trained by others on what we 'should' do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion.” [12]
2 Corinthians 9:7 says, “You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don't give reluctantly or in response to pressure. For God loves a person who gives cheerfully."
For some people, it is really hard for them to every say no to others. They say yes to others half-heartedly when they really have a no on the inside. Then they are resentful about it but pretend to go along with a smile on their face. Dr. Cloud notes that “God is more concerned with our hearts than our outward compliance.” [13]
We are not stewarding our resources well or being honest with ourselves and others when we say yes to something or go along because we are afraid to say no. Dr. Henry Cloud notes, “when we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God's investment.” [14]
Being honest with ourselves and others on who we are, what we believe, and what we are willing to invest or give creates open and honest relationships where true intimacy can develop. Hidden agendas or boundaries lead us to establish them through manipulation rather than being straight-forward.
Sometimes where I have got caught up in being compliant is in relationships where God's word calls me to be submissive. For instance, 1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”
I have a wonderful husband that I love dearly. However, if I was to complacently go along with everything that my husband desired, I would be very resentful and unhappy. I would be ignoring my own needs. This would be unhealthy for both of us. Partners in healthy relationships communicate and make room for each other's needs. They encourage and come under the other, building them up in love.
Steve Wiens called coming under others and building them up 'submission' in a sermons some time ago. [15] The Greek word for submission, hupotasso, ultimately means to come under someone.[16] In one of his more recent sermons, Steve referred to submission as listening to someone and hearing them out.
James 1:19 says, "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."
Too often most of us (okay, at least me) view submission as complacently going along with someone else whether we agree with them or not. The other side of this view is putting oneself above others in attempt to rule over, control, manipulate and/or use them.
Rather, submission is done by our free will (not out of fear, intimidation, or being a doormat) and is something we give to another as a gift. It is a choice we make to come under someone and lift them up out of love and respect for them. Submission is also something meant to be mutual, where both people are building each other up in love out of reverence for Christ (Eph. 5:21).
As Dr. Henry Cloud notes, God gave us a free will as a gift. [17] When we try to coerce someone else to go along with us, taking away their free will, we sin. Also, we are not walking in the truth and love if we go along with someone else out of compliance when it crosses our values, integrity, or boundaries of who we are. We may follow along out of fear of losing the relationship, but we lose something of ourselves in the process.
When we are receiving our love, approval and acceptance from God, we are free love others based upon what is best for them. We walk in both the truth and love. As Dr. Henry Cloud notes, loving people with limits and providing both warmth and consequences produces confident people who have a sense of control over their lives. They become free to take responsibility for themselves and their thoughts. [18]
Part of the maturing process is learning to take responsibility for our lives and our choices and helping others to take responsibility for theirs. Rather than feeling stuck or frustrated, when we listen to our inner cues and provide what is lovingly best for others, we have freedom. Dr. Henry Cloud writes, “The point is this: we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others.” [19]
Instead of taking responsibility for others we love or rescuing them out of difficulty, we are free to encourage the truth and confront evil when we see it -helping them to take responsibility. Proverbs 28:23 says, “He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.”
Each of us have responsibility for our own lives. Dr. Henry Cloud writes, “at the end of our lives this truth becomes crystal clear. We will all 'appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad (2 Cor. 5:10).”[20]
Sometimes I struggle with holding others responsible when they struggle with mental illness or deep emotional issues. However, helping people move towards taking responsibility for themselves and helping them see the natural consequences for their behavior is always in their best interests. It is not in their benefit to simply console their pain and leave them where they are at.
While they may have distorted attitudes about responsibility, boundary issues and/or become angry when I speak the truth in love, it doesn't make it any less the best course of action. Jesus never spoke based upon how He thought others would react. He simply spoke the truth and let others react as they would choose. Trying to control people's reaction is manipulation. If others choose to respond negatively, holding them accountable is still loving. Sometimes how we receive help is not what we want but what we need at the time.
Lord, forgive me for all the ways I fail to walk in the truth in love. At times I have been too focused on appeasing others and missed your purposes all together. Give us wisdom and courage to be real with ourselves and others. May we walk in the truth. And fill us with Your Spirit so that we may do so in love.
1. Vine, W. E. ; Unger, Merrill F. ; White, William: Vine's Complete Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words. Nashville : T. Nelson, 1996, S. 2:440
2. Strong, James: The Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible : Showing Every Word of the Text of the Common English Version of the Canonical Books, and Every Occurrence of Each Word in Regular Order. electronic ed. Ontario : Woodside Bible Fellowship., 1996, S. G225
3-4. Youngblood, Ronald F. ; Bruce, F. F. ; Harrison, R. K. ; Thomas Nelson Publishers: Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Dictionary. Nashville : T. Nelson, 1995
5. Radmacher, Earl D. ; Allen, Ronald Barclay ; House, H. Wayne: Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Commentary. Nashville : T. Nelson Publishers, 1999, S. Ps 86:10-13
6-7. Hougen, Judy. Transformed into Fire: An Invitation to Life in the True Self. Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, MI. 2002.
8. Heald, Cynthia. Becoming a Woman of Freedom. NavPress, Colorado Springs, CO. 1992.
9-14; 17-20. Cloud, Dr. Henry and Townsend, Dr. John. Boundaries. Zondervan, Grand Rapids, MI. 1992.
15. Wiens, Steve. Associate Senior Pastor. Church of the Open Door. Www.thedoor.org.
16. Vine, W. E. ; Unger, Merrill F. ; White, William: Vine's Complete Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words. Nashville : T. Nelson, 1996, S. 2:606
“I rejoiced greatly that I have found some of your children walking in the truth, as we received commandment from the Father. And now I plead with you, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment to you, but that which we have had from the beginning: that we love one another. This is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, that as you have heard from the beginning, you should walk in it.”
Walk is the Greek word peripateo, Strongs #4043. It refers to the state one is living, to conduct oneself, and/or to be occupied with. [1] Walking speaks of putting one's beliefs into action. A phrase we would often say in AA when I was involved many years ago was, “walk the walk, don't just talk the talk.”
Coming back to what I wrote last week, James says that faith without works is dead (James 2:26). He notes, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” (James 1:22).
John was looking for the believers to have heard the truth, believed it, and then put it into action in their lives. John also tied closely together walking in the truth and walking in love. He noted that the commandment which they had from the beginning was to love one another.
Jesus told the Jews that believed he was sent by the Father in John 8:31-32, “If you abide in [live by, continue in, remain faithful to] My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
Truth, is the Greek word aletheia, Strongs #225. Truth is defined as those things that are certain, or a reality. Truth is also a candour of mind which is free from sway, personal agendas, pretense, falsehood, manipulation, or deceit. [2]
Jesus is the truth: “He is 'the God of truth' (Is. 65:16).”
The Word of God is also truth: "the entirety of Your word is truth' (119:160)."
The Father is truth: “Because of His perfect nature and will, God has to speak and act in truth; He cannot lie (1 Sam. 15:29; Heb. 6:18; James 1:17–18).”
And, the Holy Spirit is “the Spirit of truth” (John 14:17) that guides Christians into all truth (John 16:13). [3]
This source writes, “God is truth; the Spirit is truth; and Jesus is truth. Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me' (John 14:6). Jesus and the revelation the Spirit of truth gave through His apostles are the final, ultimate revelation and definition of truth about God, people, redemption, history, and the world. 'The law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ' (John 1:17).” [4]
When Jesus walked the earth, He was full of grace and truth (John 1:14) and told the truth He heard from God (John 8:40).[4]
God desires us to be rooted in the truth. David notes in Psalm 51:6, “Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts...” Truth is the basis for a lifestyle that pleases God (Psalm 25:5, 10; 26:3). [5] In Psalm 15:1-2 David asks the Lord, “Who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill?” And he answers, “He who walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart.”
Amos 3:3 asks how two can walk together unless they be agreed? One must be in alignment with the truth (walking in the truth) to walk with God.
The saying on the Medallions back when I was in AA years ago was, “To Thine Own Self Be True.” Too often, we wear masks, trying to create an image and we don't let others know who we are. In most cases, we live our lives pretending, achieving and trying to obtain significance because we don't know who we are either. What we do know, we often don't like because we fell our weaknesses don't portray who we want to be.
Judy Hougen, in her book “Transformed by Fire” calls projecting an image the 'false self.' She writes, “The false self is the self created outside of the mind of God, the self that seeks existence apart from God. The false self is a facade we construct in order to gain love and acceptance in the world, a mask of counterfeit adequacy. This mask is constructed of all the characteristics and qualities that we fiercely clutch as ours and want others to believe that we posses. It is our unreal identity, controlling and defining us.”[6]
In Matthew 5:16, 48 Jesus says to His disciples, “Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.... In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”
When we pretend and wear masks with others, we are unable to truly love them or be loved by them. Love requires us to move towards others, be open and vulnerable with others and take risks. It is much easier to stand a distance away and create an image for others to admire, but it is a lonely way to live.
Living an open and transparent life before God requires trust in God. We stop hiding and presenting an image. Instead, we begin dealing with our stuff and being honest about who we are, what we believe and where we are at.
This requires a place of grace where we can be real and still be accepted for our weaknesses. When others judge, highlight and/or criticize us for our weaknesses it breeds pretending and hiding. When we begin to receive acceptance despite our limitations, we can let down our guard.
It is in the place of receiving God's grace for our weaknesses that we grow in our ability to accept ourselves with our limitations. We need to give ourselves and others grace for our weaknesses. We are all growing and becoming. Rather than hiding and pretending, we confess and repent when we sin knowing it is not who we truly want to be.
As Judy Hougen notes, as one heals from hiding and presenting false images, one grows in self-acceptance. She writes that self-acceptance emerges from dwelling in God's presence. And goes on to state, “But the crux of the healing of self-image and the emerging of our true selves is the receiving and giving of God's love." (7)
When one is living in the true-self, they are at ease with themselves and others. They can rest in the love of God and share it with those around them. They need not be doing but are comfortable with being – being with God and others. Rather than competing with others for significance, one becomes free to serve their brothers in love.
“Your blessed when you're content with just who you are – no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.”
One of the ways that I can tell if I am operating out of the false self or true self is what I am thinking when I walk into a room of people. When I am experiencing feelings of insecurity and not resting in the love of God, I am looking for being accepted and received by others. When I am resting in the love of God, rather than being concerned with being accepted, I am free to be available to God in meeting other's needs and embracing others.
Over busyness is also a cue for me that I may be operating out of the false self. Because I am trying to please others, I am busy trying to meet their expectations and serve them. As a result, I become stressed and overworked.
Fran Barker writes, “The times I've overworked and made myself and everyone else miserable, it's been because I needed people's appreciation, or their pity, or their admiration too much. I was trying to prove I was worth something by my hard work... But when service becomes a pain, or a means of personal gain, then the service needs to be curtailed for the sake of the higher good of resting in Christ's presence. God called you to be His beloved, not His beast of burden.” [8]
Another thing that happens when we begin living in the true self rather than the false self, is we become more aware of our own emotional cues. We start to notice and be able to process our gut reactions we may otherwise ignore.
When our focus is on pleasing those around us, our responses are geared toward their reaction. We may ignore cues that something isn't quite right for us rather than deal with it and risk conflict. What they need from us may be confrontation, but when we are seeking to please others, we may appease them instead by going along.
For example, sometimes when I am talking with someone who is hurting emotionally, I may let them go around in circles and ruminate on something too long. My gut may be saying that it is time to help them to move forward and perhaps, on few occasions, confront them about sitting in their emotional response way too long. Often, self pity and feelings of victimization can come from someone dwelling too long in what happened to them.
When I am operating out of the false self, and overly concerned about their approval or comfort, I fail to confront and help them get up and move forward in love. I ignore, stuff and hide my gut reaction of frustration with them for ruminating and sitting in their pain for way too long.
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”
I fail to hold them responsible for their thoughts, actions or decisions to their detriment. I will also fail to help them see responsibility for consequences they are experiencing in their life from poor choices. Dr. Henry Cloud notes that we may privately endure the pain of someone's irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and others – information that would be helpful to their soul. [9]
It takes courage and patience to speak the truth to others. However, it must also be done as members of ones own body -in love. Sometimes people use speaking the truth as an opportunity to vent their negative emotions, criticisms and/or frustrations at the expense of others. This is worse and more painful than not speaking up at all because it causes harm to another.
Dr. Henry Cloud notes that our feelings should neither be ignored or placed in charge. We should be aware of our feelings and own them. As he notes, the Good Samaritan's pity moved him to go to the injured Israelite (Luke 10:33). [10]
When we own our feelings, we can begin to ask ourselves why we are feeling the way we are and what issue our feelings may be pointing to. Sometimes our feelings (such as anger) may be due to our own self-centeredness that needs to be owned and put to death. Other times a feeling of anger can signal to us that someone is violating our boundaries and we need to establish some limits.
When we are focused on pleasing others or gaining their approval, we will often miss what is best for them. Pleasing others is really about ourselves – we are trying to meet our needs for love, acceptance and/or significance from the other person. And trying to get these needs met from others rather than God is idolatry and will never truly satisfy us.
Rather, over time we may feel used and resentful. Dr. Henry Cloud notes, making decisions based upon others' approval or guilt breeds resentment. [11] This is especially true if we feel coerced by the other person.
Pressure can be the result of others coercion, but it can also be self induced feelings of guilt or obligation (feelings that 'I should'). Dr. Henry Cloud goes on to write, “We have been so trained by others on what we 'should' do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion.” [12]
2 Corinthians 9:7 says, “You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don't give reluctantly or in response to pressure. For God loves a person who gives cheerfully."
For some people, it is really hard for them to every say no to others. They say yes to others half-heartedly when they really have a no on the inside. Then they are resentful about it but pretend to go along with a smile on their face. Dr. Cloud notes that “God is more concerned with our hearts than our outward compliance.” [13]
We are not stewarding our resources well or being honest with ourselves and others when we say yes to something or go along because we are afraid to say no. Dr. Henry Cloud notes, “when we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God's investment.” [14]
Being honest with ourselves and others on who we are, what we believe, and what we are willing to invest or give creates open and honest relationships where true intimacy can develop. Hidden agendas or boundaries lead us to establish them through manipulation rather than being straight-forward.
Sometimes where I have got caught up in being compliant is in relationships where God's word calls me to be submissive. For instance, 1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”
I have a wonderful husband that I love dearly. However, if I was to complacently go along with everything that my husband desired, I would be very resentful and unhappy. I would be ignoring my own needs. This would be unhealthy for both of us. Partners in healthy relationships communicate and make room for each other's needs. They encourage and come under the other, building them up in love.
Steve Wiens called coming under others and building them up 'submission' in a sermons some time ago. [15] The Greek word for submission, hupotasso, ultimately means to come under someone.[16] In one of his more recent sermons, Steve referred to submission as listening to someone and hearing them out.
James 1:19 says, "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."
Too often most of us (okay, at least me) view submission as complacently going along with someone else whether we agree with them or not. The other side of this view is putting oneself above others in attempt to rule over, control, manipulate and/or use them.
Rather, submission is done by our free will (not out of fear, intimidation, or being a doormat) and is something we give to another as a gift. It is a choice we make to come under someone and lift them up out of love and respect for them. Submission is also something meant to be mutual, where both people are building each other up in love out of reverence for Christ (Eph. 5:21).
As Dr. Henry Cloud notes, God gave us a free will as a gift. [17] When we try to coerce someone else to go along with us, taking away their free will, we sin. Also, we are not walking in the truth and love if we go along with someone else out of compliance when it crosses our values, integrity, or boundaries of who we are. We may follow along out of fear of losing the relationship, but we lose something of ourselves in the process.
When we are receiving our love, approval and acceptance from God, we are free love others based upon what is best for them. We walk in both the truth and love. As Dr. Henry Cloud notes, loving people with limits and providing both warmth and consequences produces confident people who have a sense of control over their lives. They become free to take responsibility for themselves and their thoughts. [18]
Part of the maturing process is learning to take responsibility for our lives and our choices and helping others to take responsibility for theirs. Rather than feeling stuck or frustrated, when we listen to our inner cues and provide what is lovingly best for others, we have freedom. Dr. Henry Cloud writes, “The point is this: we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others.” [19]
Instead of taking responsibility for others we love or rescuing them out of difficulty, we are free to encourage the truth and confront evil when we see it -helping them to take responsibility. Proverbs 28:23 says, “He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.”
Each of us have responsibility for our own lives. Dr. Henry Cloud writes, “at the end of our lives this truth becomes crystal clear. We will all 'appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad (2 Cor. 5:10).”[20]
Sometimes I struggle with holding others responsible when they struggle with mental illness or deep emotional issues. However, helping people move towards taking responsibility for themselves and helping them see the natural consequences for their behavior is always in their best interests. It is not in their benefit to simply console their pain and leave them where they are at.
While they may have distorted attitudes about responsibility, boundary issues and/or become angry when I speak the truth in love, it doesn't make it any less the best course of action. Jesus never spoke based upon how He thought others would react. He simply spoke the truth and let others react as they would choose. Trying to control people's reaction is manipulation. If others choose to respond negatively, holding them accountable is still loving. Sometimes how we receive help is not what we want but what we need at the time.
Lord, forgive me for all the ways I fail to walk in the truth in love. At times I have been too focused on appeasing others and missed your purposes all together. Give us wisdom and courage to be real with ourselves and others. May we walk in the truth. And fill us with Your Spirit so that we may do so in love.
1. Vine, W. E. ; Unger, Merrill F. ; White, William: Vine's Complete Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words. Nashville : T. Nelson, 1996, S. 2:440
2. Strong, James: The Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible : Showing Every Word of the Text of the Common English Version of the Canonical Books, and Every Occurrence of Each Word in Regular Order. electronic ed. Ontario : Woodside Bible Fellowship., 1996, S. G225
3-4. Youngblood, Ronald F. ; Bruce, F. F. ; Harrison, R. K. ; Thomas Nelson Publishers: Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Dictionary. Nashville : T. Nelson, 1995
5. Radmacher, Earl D. ; Allen, Ronald Barclay ; House, H. Wayne: Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Commentary. Nashville : T. Nelson Publishers, 1999, S. Ps 86:10-13
6-7. Hougen, Judy. Transformed into Fire: An Invitation to Life in the True Self. Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, MI. 2002.
8. Heald, Cynthia. Becoming a Woman of Freedom. NavPress, Colorado Springs, CO. 1992.
9-14; 17-20. Cloud, Dr. Henry and Townsend, Dr. John. Boundaries. Zondervan, Grand Rapids, MI. 1992.
15. Wiens, Steve. Associate Senior Pastor. Church of the Open Door. Www.thedoor.org.
16. Vine, W. E. ; Unger, Merrill F. ; White, William: Vine's Complete Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words. Nashville : T. Nelson, 1996, S. 2:606
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