"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
“Why is light [of life] given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul. Who long and wait for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hidden treasures. Who rejoice exceedingly and are elated when they find the grave?” (Job3:20-22)
Job had a series of incredibly big losses happen in his life. First he lost his oxen and donkeys to Sabeans who swooped down and took them away. Without them, Job had lost his ability to plow and produce. (Job 1:13-14)
Right on the heals of this, Job lost his sheep and all his servants as lightening came down from heaven and burned up and consumed them all. (Job 1:16) Before he was even done hearing about this, he found out that his camels were taken in a raid by the Chaldeans (Job 1:17).
And still reeling from all the losses, another servant came to tell him that his sons and daughters were killed by a whirlwind and he had no children left (Job 1:19). Deeply grief stricken from all the losses, amazingly, Job did not charge God (or contemplate suicide). Instead, he worshiped and magnified the Lord (Job 1:21-22).
It wasn't too long after this that Job was also stricken with physical ailments. He was covered with loathsome and painful sores from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet (Job 2:7). It was so bad that it says that when his friends saw him from far off, he was disfigured beyond recognition and so his friends lifted up their voices and wept (Job 2:12).
When Job first experienced a series of losses, it did not drive him to contemplate suicide. Losses or stressors in ones life do not necessarily always mean someone is contemplating suicide. When Job first experienced many losses, he used his internal coping mechanisms and worshiped God.
LivingWorks note that most people are resilient and and cope and manage stresses in life without turning to the option of suicide. They do this by using a variety of internal resources and by drawing upon external resources such as family and friends. [1]
Esther was someone who demonstrated resilience to difficulty and stress. Esther had experienced some significant losses in her life. She had lost both her parents. However, her uncle Mordecai took her in and raised her as her own (Esther 2:7). Esther was loved and taught to fear God and execute His commands as she was growing up with Mordecai (Esther 2:20).
Esther received a great deal of support from Mordecai who loved and believed in her. When Esther was taken into custody on the king's command into a harem as a potential wife for the king, Mordecai would daily walk before the court of the harem to learn how Esther was and what would become of her (Esther 2:11).
Esther also experienced a sense of favor by God and the fruit of good choices. Her life was not riddled with only failure and loss. She had experienced some significant accomplishments.
Esther pleased Hegai, the custodian of the women of the harem and because of it, received the best location to stay within the harem (Esther 2:9). Then when Esther was called in to see the king, she took only what Hegai, the kings attendant had suggested. Esther had favor in the sight of all who saw her (Es. 2:15). As she was taken into King Ashasuerus, the king loved her. Es. 2:17 says, “And the king loved Esther more than all the women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the maidens, so that he set the royal crown on her head and made her queen instead of Vashti.”
Married to the king, Esther was informed by her maids and attendants that the king had issued a decree that all the Jews in every providence, everywhere would be exterminated. There was great mourning among the Jews. Mordecai stood by the gate clothed with sackcloth. She was exceedingly grieved and distressed (Es. 4:5).
LivingWorks notes that anticipated or potential losses can be as significant as ones that have already happened. It is the stress around it that causes the pain. Often it is the loss or potential loss of something one treasures most that results in thoughts of suicide. [2]
While the stress of losing all her kin, including Mordecai her uncle, at the hands of the man she married could have been enough to push someone to an emotional reaction, withdrawal and inaction, escape to other distractions, or destructive behavior (to self or others), Esther kept her composure.
Her first reaction was to send Mordecai garments (Es. 4:4). More than likely she hoped that if he identified with the king in his garments rather than the Jews garments of mourning, both Mordecai and herself would be overlooked and spared.
Mordecai refused to accept the garments. Esther continued not make rash decisions or judgments. She called for one of the king's attendants out to talk to Mordecai to learn what and why this was (Es. 4:5). Mordecai sent the information about Haman promising to pay to the king's treasuries for all the Jews to be destroyed and sent a copy of the decree to Esther with his request that the queen plea with the king for the lives of her people (Es. 4:7-8).
Esther was afraid and initially responded by telling Mordecai that she could be put to death for approaching the king without being summoned by him (Es. 4:11). Mordecai, called her outside herself to see the possibilities and God's divine purposes in the midst of her affliction. He said to her, “And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?”
Esther then agreed, requesting that all the Jews fast and pray for her for three nights and days and that she would then go into the king. She noted, “and if I perish, I perish.” Esther was willing to take risks and step out beyond where she was comfortable, even in the midst of incredibly stressful and difficult circumstances. She was willing to risk her life for a greater cause of saving her people.
She had an uncle who loved her deeply. He saw God's greater divine purpose in all her difficulties and challenged her out into them. He not only loved her deeply, but pointed her towards God and His purposes. Support of family and/or friends has a tremendous impact on whether one is resilient to difficulties and stress.
Esther stood in the place of being loved by Mordecai. And as he challenged her, she was also learning that she could trust God's love and step out into this as well. She was coming into who she was as the beloved. As she was called out into his greater purposes in the midst of adversity, she was coming alive to who she was in God.
Going back to Job, when things first started going terribly wrong for him, even in losing his children, Job did not fall apart. Job did have some internal resilience to difficulty. However, after his health went, he could take no more. LivingWorks notes that the event (in this case the painful boils) may itself “appear as the precipitating factor that triggers suicidal behavior, but it most cases it is a 'last straw' building on many other background circumstances.” [3]
Job had experienced significant loss. In the midst of this, he had not fully gained an understanding of God's love for him. He had learned that he was loved because he got all the actions right. The favor of God was the direct result of his own righteousness before God. In being righteous in his own strength, he never learned that he could count on God in his weakness, loss and failure.
When difficulty came upon him, he felt that God was somehow punishing him unfairly and felt terrorized by God. Job said to God in Job 7:19-10, “How long will Your [plaguing] glance not look away from me, nor You let me alone till I swallow my spittle? If I have sinned, what [harm] have I done You, O You Watcher and Keeper of men?”
Job saw an angry and accusing God behind all his difficulties and troubles. Besides not understanding or receiving the love of God which is key to resilience, Job also failed to have a support network of people who could genuinely love him and support him in his pain.
His wife actually told him that he would be better off dead. Job 2:9 says, “Then his wife said to him, Do you still hold fast your blameless uprightness? Renounce God and die!”
His friends, while they came to support him, also saw God the same way as Job. Originally when they came, they were a great comfort. They wept with him in his pain and sat with him for seven days not saying anything because “they saw that his grief and pain were very great.” (Job 2:13)
Getting in someone's 'bucket' of pain with them and being where they are at can be tremendously healing. People begin to feel cared for and loved. As someone else genuinely hears and understands our pain with a sense of empathy towards us, we begin to feel understood. Trust then begins to develop within our relationship and we can sometimes earn the right to speak into their life in the midst of their pain.
Beginning to feel comforted enough to speak, Job then began to open his mouth. He cursed the day he was born and began to pour out his misery and thoughts of suicide before them. Often when someone is in a great deal of pain, some of their words are an attempt to share where they are at. Words can be harsh, rash, and/or destructive towards self or others.
Job explains to his friends about his grief, “For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea; therefore my words have been rash and wild.” The bitterness and poison from the arrows that pierced him were being drank up by his spirit (Job 6:4).
Standing in the place of hearing's someone's pain in all their vulnerability and confusion is holy ground. Unfortunately, Job's friends were sorry comforters because they believed exactly what Job did, that God must be punishing Job for his sin. They could not see the love or grace of God for Job in his weakness and pain.
They could not call Job out to see any of God's divine purposes because they could not see it themselves. They were so much like Job, when everything broke, they wanted to prop him up, put a nice smile on his face and help him get it right this time.
But Job was just too exhausted and broken at this point to prop his actions up again. Job confronted them for this and told them they were not helping. In Job 6:21. He told them, “Now to me you are [like a dried-up brook]; you see my dismay and terror, and [believing me to be a victim of God's anger] you are afraid [to sympathize with me].”
They were uncomfortable with his pain so rather than empathize with him, they tried to fix him with a get your attitude and actions right band-aid. In Job 8:6 they told him, “Then, if you are pure and upright, surely He will bestir Himself for you and make your righteous dwelling prosperous again.”
Too often, people are blamed for their pain as it being their own fault. In some cases this may be true, however, in the midst of incredible pain, the last thing one needs to hear is an attitude of blame and judgment.
Job's friends also totally ignored the invitation that Job was giving to them to talk about his feelings of suicide. They were afraid to go there. Over and over, Job sent back out the invitation to talk about it.
In Job 6:8-9 he says, “Oh, that I might have my request, and that God would grant me the thing that I long for! I even wish that it would please God to crush me, that He would let loose His hand and cut me off!”
In Job 7:9 he says, “The eye of him who sees me shall see me no more; while your eyes are upon me, I shall be gone.”
In Job 7:16 he says, “I loathe my life.”
In Job 7:21 he says, “For now shall I lie down in the dust; and [even if] You will seek me diligently [it will be too late, for] I shall not be.”
In Job 10:1 he says, “I am weary of my life and loathe it! I will give free expression to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.”
And in Job 10:19 he says, “I should have been as though I had not existed; I should have been carried from the womb to the grave.”
Over and over Job made reference to the grave and his death. Skipping ahead to Job 17:1, he continued to speak, "My spirit is broken, my days are spent (snuffed out); the grave is ready for me."
With all these statements that related to his death, not once did Job's friends pick up his invitation and turn to Job and ask him directly with respect and concern, “Are you thinking about committing suicide Job?”
Often people on both sides are afraid to bring up the topic directly. As if by speaking about it one will cause another to commit suicide. Even worse is when one's friends do not take them seriously in their hints and assume their just looking for attention.
This is how Job's friends took his invitation to talk about suicide – they failed to take him seriously and thought he was saying it to seek attention. They totally ignored the invitation to explore suicide and instead responded in judgment of his intentions.
His friend responded to the invitation Job gave in 7:21 by asking him, “How long will you say these things [Job]? And how long shall the words of your mouth be as a mighty wind?”
And in Job 11:2, in response to Job's invite to explore suicide in Job 10:19, Job's friend said, “Should your boastings and babble make men keep silent? And when you mock and scoff, shall no man make you ashamed?”
They not only ignored his invitation to explore suicide with him but scoffed him for it. Most often people are not dropping hints and invites to explore suicide because they just want attention. Most often they are in a great deal of pain.
LivingWorks notes, “Persons at risk often want to talk about their reasons for dying. After all, thoughts of suicide are the single, most important thing happening in their lives at the moment. Talking is almost always helpful. Talking involves thinking and thinking may lead to new ways of looking at things. When reasons for dying are put into words, emotions are released and their influence on how a person views events may lesson.” [4]
At the same time, people rarely ever say directly without being asked that they plan to commit suicide. There feels like almost an aching in one's pain, 'do you really care enough to ask?' Typically, people drop hints, giving invitations to explore with them what their thoughts may be on this.
However, when the 'hints' are dropped as they clearly were with Job, it is important to explore it and ask them directly. If someone feels you are afraid to ask, they will be afraid to talk about it directly with you. It stays a taboo topic.
While one cue in itself, such as a difficult loss, does not necessarily mean there is a need to explore suicide with the other person, often (as it was the case with Job) there will be multiple cues. When assessing the possibility that someone may be contemplating suicide and how serious they may be about it, one can consider the following cues:
1. Stressful and difficult circumstances and situations [5] (often involving loss). Having difficult circumstances can be a trigger for someone to seek escape through suicide. Job spoke to his friends in Job 3:25-26, “For the thing which I greatly fear comes upon me, and that of which I am afraid befalls me. I was not or am not at ease, nor had I or have I rest, nor was I or am I quiet, yet trouble came and still comes upon me.”
2. Physical Health [6](especially where there is pain associated with it). One suffering in physical pain from a chronic disease or difficulty is more likely to contemplate suicide as a means of escape from their pain. In the case of Job, he struggled with very painful boils that had covered his whole body. He could not escape this pain. While maybe making him feel a little better in the short run, as he scraped his skin with a broken piece of pottery, I can imagine that it only made the problem worse.
3. Hope for the future is lost. Even when someone is enduring a great deal of pain, seeing a 'light at the end of the tunnel' where things will get better can make a tremendous difference. Job had lost his hope for the future being bright. He notes in Job 6:11, “What strength have I left, that I should wait and hope? And what is ahead of me, that I should be patient?” In Job 7:7 he says, “Oh, remember that my life is but wind (a puff, a breath, a sob); my eye shall see good no more.”
4. Physical Changes [7]. Loss of appetite, lack of pleasure /interest in things, difficulty sleeping, and physical fatigue are all signs that one might be suffering from severe depression and potentially contemplating suicide [8]. Job told his friends in Job 6:5-7 that he had lost his appetite for and interest in food. And in Job 7:3-4, he mentioned that he was not able to sleep. He said to his friends, “So am I allotted months of futile [suffering], and [long] nights of misery are appointed to me. When I lie down I say, When shall I arise and the night be gone? And I am full of tossing to and fro till the dawning of the day.”
5. Drastic changes in behaviors. It is common that one actually gains energy and begins to appear like things are going better for them when they have decided to commit suicide. What happens is that they are no longer wrestling with the confusion and pain of the problem but only focusing on the escape before them. In this, there is a release from the deep burdens and despair. Sometimes people may show unusual behaviors like wanting to say final words to people they care about, give away things that are of significant value to them, tie up final ends of finances or insurance, write letters, etc. They may even plan their own funeral during this time.
Besides looking at these significant cues LivingWorks outlines some additional items to consider in ones assessment of the situation:
(When I was young, for years I struggled with despair and thoughts of suicide. Often I would think about suicide at least 30 or more times in any given day. I interjected some of my own experiences with my despair at that time as examples where it seemed it may be helpful. I attempted suicide on a few occasions and had what I thought was a 'fail-safe' plan for my 18th birthday to end my life.
Fortunately, I had my son 40 days before my 18th birthday and it changed my whole life and perspective on living. Then when I became saved, God totally healed me from my struggles with despair. My life has been totally different since I found Christ and I couldn't imagine even thinking of suicide even once in a day.)
“Observe Behaviors” [9].
Crying and emotional outbursts [10] can hint that someone is going through a difficult situation that we need to inquire more about. As an example mentioned earlier, Job spoke out in his pain and his words were “rash and wild” due to his grief (Job 6:3).
And fighting [11] can provide a release for anger one doesn't know what to do with. While I picked fights with my father when I was young to protect my mother and sister because I could sense my father's anger was rising. In getting into a confrontation with my father, even though it could be painful, was also a release of some of the pain if that makes any sense.
Also, in difficulty and stressful circumstances, one may look for a way of escape. Sometimes that escape comes in the form of drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc, [12] as a distraction from the pain. However, when one does not see another way out, or perhaps has experienced additional losses as the result of trying to escape through other mechanisms, one sees suicide as a viable option.
When I was young, I would look to alcohol and drugs as a means of escape. It would help ease the pain and help me forget what was going on in my life for a period of time. Job had not turned to any of these mechanisms for escape. He kept pressing into his pain and inviting his friends into where he was at.
Recklessness or lawlessness [13] sometimes can demonstrate someone doesn't have a concern for the future and could potentially be contemplating suicide. For me, since I had determined I would commit suicide on my 18th birthday, getting good grades and accomplishments seemed irrelevant. I would frequently skip school to drink and play poker at my friends house. I had a complete lack of concern for my grades or attendance. And getting into trouble wasn't a big concern for me. I cared little for some black mark on 'my record.'
The rebellious, angry person who is in trouble with the law and excessively drinking is often viewed by society as someone who needs a strong hand of discipline and consequences for their behavior. However, what may really be underneath their acting out is a desire to die. In this case, strong future consequences rather than investigating and dealing with the underlying desire, may only quicken and solidify the person's process towards the end of suicide.[a]
Besides making poor choices and acting out in self or other directed destructive behaviors, high stress can cause some people to become immobilized with fear. They are afraid to act at all in the midst of their pain. Withdrawal or dropping out [14] can be a sign that there may be difficulty and give us a cue to inquire. For example, if someone quits their job and doesn't have a plan for how they are going to meet their financial needs, it may be a sign that they are planning their suicide.
Sometimes one can also just be sick frequently because they are struggling with staying engaged and don't want to get out of bed. When one is exhausted from difficulties, they may, in their feelings of defeat, just lay in bed not wanting to get up at all. Lack of self care and hygiene can also be a sign of difficulty and no longer caring.
Self harming behavior can also give an indication of what someone is thinking and potential suicide risk. Non-fatal suicidal behavior, according to the statistics is 40 to 100 times greater than the number of suicides [15]. While cutting, etc. does not necessarily mean that someone is feeling suicidal, it can be an indication of their self destructive thought patterns and ultimately lead to further and further self destructive behaviors.
For myself, one of the ways that I would act out in this way would be to drink myself to what would be considered lethal limits of intoxication. I would sometimes drink continually beyond my capacity with a destructive hope that I would not wake up again.
Statistics show that there are 5 to 25% more suicides that are not reported as suicides [17]. Often overdoses on drugs and alcohol and not reported suicides even though the person may very well have been thinking of suicide in their self-destructive behavior. Also, car crashes, etc. can appear like an ordinary 'accident' and have suicide intent.
Finally, prior attempts of suicide can be an indicator that they may be contemplating suicide again during difficulty. LivingWorks notes that the rate of suicide is 40% greater among those who have previously attempted suicide in the past. This is the greatest risk for a person within the first few months of a previous attempt. [16]
Often prior behavior and thought patterns can be a reflection of current behavior. If one has not learned new tools to deal with their pain and gain resilience, they are more likely to go back to the old patterns of behavior that they knew in the past when difficulty arises again.
Understand Thought [17] Processes.
Most of these were covered previously so I won't go into detail. Desiring to escape, hopelessness about the future, and feeling helpless are all cues of a lack of resilience [18]. A person who is suicidal may not see any way out. They do not know where to even start in helping themselves. They may feel totally stuck in their pain looking to others to somehow rescue them.
It can be helpful to understand a little of the person's history, environment growing up, etc. Sometimes, people who have struggled with despair for a long period of time may have had a series of failures and making wrong decisions. Or they may have a past history of someone rescuing them from their poor decisions so that they have never learned from it (someone's parents paying off the child's gambling debts for example). Or someone in their life making all their decisions for them rather than empowering them to make their own.
They may not have any past successes to look to and feel they are incapable to make a decision. Or they may have been criticized for their decisions resulting in them developing a fear around making their own decisions. In this state, they feel helpless and look to everyone else to make their decisions for them. Then they feel all the more dis-empowered to help themselves and blame the other person when it does not work.
Also, feeling alone [19], like no one cares can be a cue. When people lack a good support network, they are more likely to struggle with a lack of resilience in difficulty. Sometimes people feel like a burden to those around them. They think that in committing suicide that they are doing family and friends a favor. They don't see it as a selfish act because they feel that they are burdening those around them.
Job hinted that he felt like a burden in Job 7:20. He said to God, “Why have You set me as a mark for You, so that I am a burden to myself [and You]?”
Family and friends can sometimes become exhausted and feel drained over time in dealing with the person in their despair. They may even avoid the person struggling in pain at times feeling like it is the same story over and over again and that the person in pain does not seem to get free from. In taking themselves out, the person in despair may feel they are freeing up their family and friends to have a better quality life.
On the other hand, sometimes people can have fleeting thoughts of suicide and may not really be seriously thinking about it. When asked directly, they may say something like, 'I have thought about it on occasion but I would never do it.' 'I don't have the guts and my religious beliefs don't allow me to go there.' It doesn't mean that they are playing games or are not in a great deal of pain, but that there is an opportunity to strengthen their barriers that would keep them safe and give them tools for greater resilience.
Sometimes it helps to assess if a person has a plan to see how serious their thoughts have been about suicide. People who have taken the time and energy to create a plan for how they would go about killing themselves and possibly have even secured the means (obtained the pills, purchased the bullets for the gun, etc.) are much more likely to be in immediate risk of suicide moreso than someone who has not thought that far along.
Acknowledge and Validate Feelings
Feelings that may come up with someone who is contemplating suicide are: desperate, angry, sad, ashamed, worthless, lonely, disconnected, and/or hopeless [20]. I would also add despairing, afraid, numb, helpless, grieving, shame, sorry for self, victimized, condemnation, and/or guilt plus many others can be added to this list.
Job had spoke of many of these emotions. He said, “you see my dismay and terror...” (Job 6:21). And he said he was “bitterly disappointed.” (Job 6:20). He also noted that in this place he could not see or hear God, causing him more grief, confusion and loss.
People can be afraid to validate negative emotions because they think that somehow they are then agreeing with the person in their resolution that their situation is painful and their only option is suicide. They may try to convince the person the situation they are experiencing is really not that bad and they shouldn't feel that way. This only leaves the person in pain feeling guilty and ashamed for their emotions besides still feeling the pain.
As Job and his friends demonstrated, it only makes the situation worse to fail to validate the person in their emotions. It is not the problem from our perspective that matters but from their perspective. Their feelings of loss are based on what they see as important and treasure and not what we see as important and treasure. People's feelings in their pain are not 'wrong' and need to be dealt with.
By validating someone's emotions, you give them permission to feel. Once emotions are felt rather than stuffed, they can have freedom to release them. Acknowledging to Job that it must have been incredibly painful to lose his children and everything he owned while struggling with physical pain in the midst of it would have demonstrated understanding. Saying it must feel overwhelming and you could see why he would feel dismayed, bitterly disappointed, and completely confused could provide comfort to Job. It would have probably helped him to process where he was at. Once he began to process it, he may be able to begin to see more possibilities.
Sometimes it becomes difficult for the person to separate the problem from who they are (and also for others to separate the person from the problem). The person takes on the identity of the problem. They feel ashamed and guilty about it. They may feel a sense of condemnation and turn to self destructive behaviors as the solution. Thoughts of “I am worthless” may lead to thoughts of “I would be better off dead” and “the world would be a better place without me.”
Blame can also be an issue for some people. Blame can keep people stuck for longer periods of time in their difficulty because they are not taking responsibility for themselves or the things that they can change. Their total focus is on someone else who they cannot change and do not have control over. This just adds to their anger, frustration, justification for destructive thoughts, co-dependence, etc.
Job blamed God and could not hear his voice any longer or believe in his mercy. He says in Job 9:16, “If I called and He answered me, yet would I not believe that He listened to my voice. For He overwhelms and breaks me with a tempest and multiplies my wounds without cause. He will not allow me to catch my breath, but fills me with bitterness.”
While we cannot often control the stressors, being able to take personal responsibility for ones own actions and ownership for one's responses can help mobilize a person and give them resilience. Also, somehow seeing God's hand in one's difficulty, not as the cause of one's pain, but seeing his mercy and goodness towards us in the midst of our problem can lead to hope for the future.
Job was unable to see God with him in his difficulties. Job says in Job 9:11, “Behold, He goes by me, and I see Him not; He passes on also, but I perceive him not.”
Hope for the Future
When someone is a Christian, it does not mean that they will not experience difficult emotions such as despair, helplessness, or hopelessness, but it does mean that they have an ultimate hope for the future that they could possibly connect with to give them strength to get through their difficulty.
Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. “
I was reading a story of joy that was sent out by my church. One person had shared a story that six months after their son's death, they were sitting in a place of numbness and thick darkness. Then suddenly, for a moment they could hear birds chirping again and could see the sunset in the west. They had an experience of a “pure piercing of God's JOY in my innermost being.” While it only lasted a short moment, it gave them hope enough to know that some day they could feel joy again. They wrote, “This momentary gift give me hope for the future.” [22]
Helping someone find their hope for the future can be significant. LivingWorks notes that a person has reasons for living or else they likely would not be telling you of their thoughts of suicide. They may need help discovering the reasons. Once they have, even a small and insignificant reason can give a person a reason for living and save their life. They note, “Part of your job in this task is to help the person at risk express, identify, and confirm their reason(s) for living.”[23] [b]
Job was searching for a reason to live and just needed help finding it. He said to God, “Remember [earnestly], I beseech You, that You have fashioned me as clay [out of the same earth material, exquisitely and elaborately]. And will You bring me to dust gain?” (Job 10:9)
He couldn't seem to find or grab hold of the hope for the future. He seemed to be tumbling further and further down the river of hopelessness and despair with the current pulling him under as no one reached out a hand to help him out of the deep waters.
Job told his friends, “My days are past, my purposes and plans are frustrated; even the thoughts (desires and possessions) of my heart are broken off. These [thoughts] extend from the night into the day, [so that] the light is short because of darkness... Where then is my hope? And if I have no hope, who will see [its fulfillment]? [My hope] shall go down to the bars of Sheol (the unseen state) when once there is rest in the dust.” (Job 17:11-16)
When Elihu finally spoke up, he did not explore reasons for living with Job and get him to commit to a plan for his safety. However, he had heard Job out and stayed in the bucket of Job's pain with him until he could demonstrate that he understood Job. Elihu did not judge Job but genuinely listened to his pain and was in it with him. As a result, Elihu could get to the heart of the matter with Job. Elihu spoke directly to Job's heart in humility about his believing in his own self righteousness.
In doing this, Elihu opened up Job's heart to hear from God again. And it was in hearing from God again that Job found his purpose and reason for living. Job came to a place of knowing that he was loved by God and seeing him with a new light.
He said in Job 42:5, “I had heard of You [only] by the hearing of the ear, but now my [spiritual] eye sees You.”
Once a person has found some reason for living, they become willing to help in the process of coming up with a plan to keep them safe. This may include removing the means from their reach (such as throwing away pills) and obtaining further medical and emotional support. This may also include making an agreement to not harm themselves and coming up with a plan for what to do when they are in a painful situation again and learning new coping tools.
Coming back to what I noted earlier, when someone knows God loves them, they can endure tremendous difficulty and remain resilient. David had went through incredible difficulties leading him to despair but he knew who he was as the beloved of God. David came out of tremendous difficulties praising the Lord.
In 2 Samuel 22:2-8 David wrote, “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior -from violent men you save me. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.
The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.”
2 Samuel 22:8, 17-18 David proclaims, “Then the earth reeled and quaked, the foundations of the heavens trembled and shook because He was angry... He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of great waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too might for me... He brought me forth into a large place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.”
Knowing that you are loved by God both can give someone the resilience they need to prevent them from ever coming to the place of despairing and contemplating suicide and it can also give someone hope for their future and they come to understand God's grace and mercy. And having hope for the future and a reason to live makes a significant difference in one's motivation and can change the course of their life.
Lord, We long to be more like Mordecai and Elihu. We long to love people into resilience, to see and call people out to a greater divine purpose, and to encourage and believe in people. We also long to genuinely hear and listen to those in pain with dignity and respect, understanding their stories, validating their emotions and calling them out into more. Teach us to truly “bear the sins and sorrows of others” [24] and love our brothers well. We long to be people who point others to God, in humility, helping them to hear from God for themselves. And helping them see and hold onto their hope for the future. Would you empower us and make us more like you.
a. For myself, the reason I was getting into trouble was to attract my father's attention away from my sister and mother. Anything my sister did wrong, I did ten times worse so that he didn't turn on her but me instead. I was drawing the negative attention away from her as a way to protect her.
For example, my sister would sometimes stay out too late with her friends and come home smelling like alcohol and cigarettes. As she started to get into more and more trouble for this, I went out and got drunk with my friends, was arrested for intoxication and thrown in jail (a holding cell) overnight. I then had to be picked up in the morning by my father. Her little bit of drinking, smoking and staying out late seemed like a minor infraction in comparison to my episodes of intoxication.
Because I was flunking school, skipping classes, and getting in trouble with the law for intoxication and other minor infractions, it accomplished what I wanted in that I drew my father's negative attention away from my sister's low grades and irresponsible behaviors. However, it also drew a great deal of discipline in my life. I was not going to be able to graduate or have a future career. I had more detention that I had years of classes to complete. Having no hope for a future solidified for me my thought process that suicide was my only option and way out.
b. Having become pregnant with my son, I suddenly looked at life differently. I had someone else I needed to protect and look out for. Giving my son up for adoption was not an option for me. Since I saw life from the perspective of my own experiences, I could only see adoption as giving my son into difficult situations with no one to protect him. When I became pregnant, I gave up drinking and smoking for the period of my pregnancy. And I started to see purpose, a reason for living. I suddenly had a future that became important and worth working towards.
I suddenly saw reasons to live and to finish school. I talked to the school and found out that if I went day and night to school and also over the summer, that I could catch some of it up. My school was incredibly gracious with me in my sudden turn around. This gave me incredible hope.
They let me count the night school for the detention I had accumulated. After doing well and working hard to make up as much of my classes as I could, they also released me early to graduate. I graduated only ½ year late from high school. Then when I went to college, I picked up what I lacked from my education.
1-21, 23. LivingWorks. Suicide Intervention Handbook. Living Works Education Inc, Calgary, Alberta. 2004. For more information on suicide intervention and promoting suicide-safer communities, see: www.livingworks.net
22. Church of The Open Door. Stories of Advent Joy. December 25th, 2011.
24. Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. The Cost of discipleship. The Image of Christ. Touchstone, New York, NY. 1959.
Job had a series of incredibly big losses happen in his life. First he lost his oxen and donkeys to Sabeans who swooped down and took them away. Without them, Job had lost his ability to plow and produce. (Job 1:13-14)
Right on the heals of this, Job lost his sheep and all his servants as lightening came down from heaven and burned up and consumed them all. (Job 1:16) Before he was even done hearing about this, he found out that his camels were taken in a raid by the Chaldeans (Job 1:17).
And still reeling from all the losses, another servant came to tell him that his sons and daughters were killed by a whirlwind and he had no children left (Job 1:19). Deeply grief stricken from all the losses, amazingly, Job did not charge God (or contemplate suicide). Instead, he worshiped and magnified the Lord (Job 1:21-22).
It wasn't too long after this that Job was also stricken with physical ailments. He was covered with loathsome and painful sores from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet (Job 2:7). It was so bad that it says that when his friends saw him from far off, he was disfigured beyond recognition and so his friends lifted up their voices and wept (Job 2:12).
When Job first experienced a series of losses, it did not drive him to contemplate suicide. Losses or stressors in ones life do not necessarily always mean someone is contemplating suicide. When Job first experienced many losses, he used his internal coping mechanisms and worshiped God.
LivingWorks note that most people are resilient and and cope and manage stresses in life without turning to the option of suicide. They do this by using a variety of internal resources and by drawing upon external resources such as family and friends. [1]
Esther was someone who demonstrated resilience to difficulty and stress. Esther had experienced some significant losses in her life. She had lost both her parents. However, her uncle Mordecai took her in and raised her as her own (Esther 2:7). Esther was loved and taught to fear God and execute His commands as she was growing up with Mordecai (Esther 2:20).
Esther received a great deal of support from Mordecai who loved and believed in her. When Esther was taken into custody on the king's command into a harem as a potential wife for the king, Mordecai would daily walk before the court of the harem to learn how Esther was and what would become of her (Esther 2:11).
Esther also experienced a sense of favor by God and the fruit of good choices. Her life was not riddled with only failure and loss. She had experienced some significant accomplishments.
Esther pleased Hegai, the custodian of the women of the harem and because of it, received the best location to stay within the harem (Esther 2:9). Then when Esther was called in to see the king, she took only what Hegai, the kings attendant had suggested. Esther had favor in the sight of all who saw her (Es. 2:15). As she was taken into King Ashasuerus, the king loved her. Es. 2:17 says, “And the king loved Esther more than all the women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the maidens, so that he set the royal crown on her head and made her queen instead of Vashti.”
Married to the king, Esther was informed by her maids and attendants that the king had issued a decree that all the Jews in every providence, everywhere would be exterminated. There was great mourning among the Jews. Mordecai stood by the gate clothed with sackcloth. She was exceedingly grieved and distressed (Es. 4:5).
LivingWorks notes that anticipated or potential losses can be as significant as ones that have already happened. It is the stress around it that causes the pain. Often it is the loss or potential loss of something one treasures most that results in thoughts of suicide. [2]
While the stress of losing all her kin, including Mordecai her uncle, at the hands of the man she married could have been enough to push someone to an emotional reaction, withdrawal and inaction, escape to other distractions, or destructive behavior (to self or others), Esther kept her composure.
Her first reaction was to send Mordecai garments (Es. 4:4). More than likely she hoped that if he identified with the king in his garments rather than the Jews garments of mourning, both Mordecai and herself would be overlooked and spared.
Mordecai refused to accept the garments. Esther continued not make rash decisions or judgments. She called for one of the king's attendants out to talk to Mordecai to learn what and why this was (Es. 4:5). Mordecai sent the information about Haman promising to pay to the king's treasuries for all the Jews to be destroyed and sent a copy of the decree to Esther with his request that the queen plea with the king for the lives of her people (Es. 4:7-8).
Esther was afraid and initially responded by telling Mordecai that she could be put to death for approaching the king without being summoned by him (Es. 4:11). Mordecai, called her outside herself to see the possibilities and God's divine purposes in the midst of her affliction. He said to her, “And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?”
Esther then agreed, requesting that all the Jews fast and pray for her for three nights and days and that she would then go into the king. She noted, “and if I perish, I perish.” Esther was willing to take risks and step out beyond where she was comfortable, even in the midst of incredibly stressful and difficult circumstances. She was willing to risk her life for a greater cause of saving her people.
She had an uncle who loved her deeply. He saw God's greater divine purpose in all her difficulties and challenged her out into them. He not only loved her deeply, but pointed her towards God and His purposes. Support of family and/or friends has a tremendous impact on whether one is resilient to difficulties and stress.
Esther stood in the place of being loved by Mordecai. And as he challenged her, she was also learning that she could trust God's love and step out into this as well. She was coming into who she was as the beloved. As she was called out into his greater purposes in the midst of adversity, she was coming alive to who she was in God.
Going back to Job, when things first started going terribly wrong for him, even in losing his children, Job did not fall apart. Job did have some internal resilience to difficulty. However, after his health went, he could take no more. LivingWorks notes that the event (in this case the painful boils) may itself “appear as the precipitating factor that triggers suicidal behavior, but it most cases it is a 'last straw' building on many other background circumstances.” [3]
Job had experienced significant loss. In the midst of this, he had not fully gained an understanding of God's love for him. He had learned that he was loved because he got all the actions right. The favor of God was the direct result of his own righteousness before God. In being righteous in his own strength, he never learned that he could count on God in his weakness, loss and failure.
When difficulty came upon him, he felt that God was somehow punishing him unfairly and felt terrorized by God. Job said to God in Job 7:19-10, “How long will Your [plaguing] glance not look away from me, nor You let me alone till I swallow my spittle? If I have sinned, what [harm] have I done You, O You Watcher and Keeper of men?”
Job saw an angry and accusing God behind all his difficulties and troubles. Besides not understanding or receiving the love of God which is key to resilience, Job also failed to have a support network of people who could genuinely love him and support him in his pain.
His wife actually told him that he would be better off dead. Job 2:9 says, “Then his wife said to him, Do you still hold fast your blameless uprightness? Renounce God and die!”
His friends, while they came to support him, also saw God the same way as Job. Originally when they came, they were a great comfort. They wept with him in his pain and sat with him for seven days not saying anything because “they saw that his grief and pain were very great.” (Job 2:13)
Getting in someone's 'bucket' of pain with them and being where they are at can be tremendously healing. People begin to feel cared for and loved. As someone else genuinely hears and understands our pain with a sense of empathy towards us, we begin to feel understood. Trust then begins to develop within our relationship and we can sometimes earn the right to speak into their life in the midst of their pain.
Beginning to feel comforted enough to speak, Job then began to open his mouth. He cursed the day he was born and began to pour out his misery and thoughts of suicide before them. Often when someone is in a great deal of pain, some of their words are an attempt to share where they are at. Words can be harsh, rash, and/or destructive towards self or others.
Job explains to his friends about his grief, “For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea; therefore my words have been rash and wild.” The bitterness and poison from the arrows that pierced him were being drank up by his spirit (Job 6:4).
Standing in the place of hearing's someone's pain in all their vulnerability and confusion is holy ground. Unfortunately, Job's friends were sorry comforters because they believed exactly what Job did, that God must be punishing Job for his sin. They could not see the love or grace of God for Job in his weakness and pain.
They could not call Job out to see any of God's divine purposes because they could not see it themselves. They were so much like Job, when everything broke, they wanted to prop him up, put a nice smile on his face and help him get it right this time.
But Job was just too exhausted and broken at this point to prop his actions up again. Job confronted them for this and told them they were not helping. In Job 6:21. He told them, “Now to me you are [like a dried-up brook]; you see my dismay and terror, and [believing me to be a victim of God's anger] you are afraid [to sympathize with me].”
They were uncomfortable with his pain so rather than empathize with him, they tried to fix him with a get your attitude and actions right band-aid. In Job 8:6 they told him, “Then, if you are pure and upright, surely He will bestir Himself for you and make your righteous dwelling prosperous again.”
Too often, people are blamed for their pain as it being their own fault. In some cases this may be true, however, in the midst of incredible pain, the last thing one needs to hear is an attitude of blame and judgment.
Job's friends also totally ignored the invitation that Job was giving to them to talk about his feelings of suicide. They were afraid to go there. Over and over, Job sent back out the invitation to talk about it.
In Job 6:8-9 he says, “Oh, that I might have my request, and that God would grant me the thing that I long for! I even wish that it would please God to crush me, that He would let loose His hand and cut me off!”
In Job 7:9 he says, “The eye of him who sees me shall see me no more; while your eyes are upon me, I shall be gone.”
In Job 7:16 he says, “I loathe my life.”
In Job 7:21 he says, “For now shall I lie down in the dust; and [even if] You will seek me diligently [it will be too late, for] I shall not be.”
In Job 10:1 he says, “I am weary of my life and loathe it! I will give free expression to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.”
And in Job 10:19 he says, “I should have been as though I had not existed; I should have been carried from the womb to the grave.”
Over and over Job made reference to the grave and his death. Skipping ahead to Job 17:1, he continued to speak, "My spirit is broken, my days are spent (snuffed out); the grave is ready for me."
With all these statements that related to his death, not once did Job's friends pick up his invitation and turn to Job and ask him directly with respect and concern, “Are you thinking about committing suicide Job?”
Often people on both sides are afraid to bring up the topic directly. As if by speaking about it one will cause another to commit suicide. Even worse is when one's friends do not take them seriously in their hints and assume their just looking for attention.
This is how Job's friends took his invitation to talk about suicide – they failed to take him seriously and thought he was saying it to seek attention. They totally ignored the invitation to explore suicide and instead responded in judgment of his intentions.
His friend responded to the invitation Job gave in 7:21 by asking him, “How long will you say these things [Job]? And how long shall the words of your mouth be as a mighty wind?”
And in Job 11:2, in response to Job's invite to explore suicide in Job 10:19, Job's friend said, “Should your boastings and babble make men keep silent? And when you mock and scoff, shall no man make you ashamed?”
They not only ignored his invitation to explore suicide with him but scoffed him for it. Most often people are not dropping hints and invites to explore suicide because they just want attention. Most often they are in a great deal of pain.
LivingWorks notes, “Persons at risk often want to talk about their reasons for dying. After all, thoughts of suicide are the single, most important thing happening in their lives at the moment. Talking is almost always helpful. Talking involves thinking and thinking may lead to new ways of looking at things. When reasons for dying are put into words, emotions are released and their influence on how a person views events may lesson.” [4]
At the same time, people rarely ever say directly without being asked that they plan to commit suicide. There feels like almost an aching in one's pain, 'do you really care enough to ask?' Typically, people drop hints, giving invitations to explore with them what their thoughts may be on this.
However, when the 'hints' are dropped as they clearly were with Job, it is important to explore it and ask them directly. If someone feels you are afraid to ask, they will be afraid to talk about it directly with you. It stays a taboo topic.
While one cue in itself, such as a difficult loss, does not necessarily mean there is a need to explore suicide with the other person, often (as it was the case with Job) there will be multiple cues. When assessing the possibility that someone may be contemplating suicide and how serious they may be about it, one can consider the following cues:
1. Stressful and difficult circumstances and situations [5] (often involving loss). Having difficult circumstances can be a trigger for someone to seek escape through suicide. Job spoke to his friends in Job 3:25-26, “For the thing which I greatly fear comes upon me, and that of which I am afraid befalls me. I was not or am not at ease, nor had I or have I rest, nor was I or am I quiet, yet trouble came and still comes upon me.”
2. Physical Health [6](especially where there is pain associated with it). One suffering in physical pain from a chronic disease or difficulty is more likely to contemplate suicide as a means of escape from their pain. In the case of Job, he struggled with very painful boils that had covered his whole body. He could not escape this pain. While maybe making him feel a little better in the short run, as he scraped his skin with a broken piece of pottery, I can imagine that it only made the problem worse.
3. Hope for the future is lost. Even when someone is enduring a great deal of pain, seeing a 'light at the end of the tunnel' where things will get better can make a tremendous difference. Job had lost his hope for the future being bright. He notes in Job 6:11, “What strength have I left, that I should wait and hope? And what is ahead of me, that I should be patient?” In Job 7:7 he says, “Oh, remember that my life is but wind (a puff, a breath, a sob); my eye shall see good no more.”
4. Physical Changes [7]. Loss of appetite, lack of pleasure /interest in things, difficulty sleeping, and physical fatigue are all signs that one might be suffering from severe depression and potentially contemplating suicide [8]. Job told his friends in Job 6:5-7 that he had lost his appetite for and interest in food. And in Job 7:3-4, he mentioned that he was not able to sleep. He said to his friends, “So am I allotted months of futile [suffering], and [long] nights of misery are appointed to me. When I lie down I say, When shall I arise and the night be gone? And I am full of tossing to and fro till the dawning of the day.”
5. Drastic changes in behaviors. It is common that one actually gains energy and begins to appear like things are going better for them when they have decided to commit suicide. What happens is that they are no longer wrestling with the confusion and pain of the problem but only focusing on the escape before them. In this, there is a release from the deep burdens and despair. Sometimes people may show unusual behaviors like wanting to say final words to people they care about, give away things that are of significant value to them, tie up final ends of finances or insurance, write letters, etc. They may even plan their own funeral during this time.
Besides looking at these significant cues LivingWorks outlines some additional items to consider in ones assessment of the situation:
(When I was young, for years I struggled with despair and thoughts of suicide. Often I would think about suicide at least 30 or more times in any given day. I interjected some of my own experiences with my despair at that time as examples where it seemed it may be helpful. I attempted suicide on a few occasions and had what I thought was a 'fail-safe' plan for my 18th birthday to end my life.
Fortunately, I had my son 40 days before my 18th birthday and it changed my whole life and perspective on living. Then when I became saved, God totally healed me from my struggles with despair. My life has been totally different since I found Christ and I couldn't imagine even thinking of suicide even once in a day.)
“Observe Behaviors” [9].
Crying and emotional outbursts [10] can hint that someone is going through a difficult situation that we need to inquire more about. As an example mentioned earlier, Job spoke out in his pain and his words were “rash and wild” due to his grief (Job 6:3).
And fighting [11] can provide a release for anger one doesn't know what to do with. While I picked fights with my father when I was young to protect my mother and sister because I could sense my father's anger was rising. In getting into a confrontation with my father, even though it could be painful, was also a release of some of the pain if that makes any sense.
Also, in difficulty and stressful circumstances, one may look for a way of escape. Sometimes that escape comes in the form of drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc, [12] as a distraction from the pain. However, when one does not see another way out, or perhaps has experienced additional losses as the result of trying to escape through other mechanisms, one sees suicide as a viable option.
When I was young, I would look to alcohol and drugs as a means of escape. It would help ease the pain and help me forget what was going on in my life for a period of time. Job had not turned to any of these mechanisms for escape. He kept pressing into his pain and inviting his friends into where he was at.
Recklessness or lawlessness [13] sometimes can demonstrate someone doesn't have a concern for the future and could potentially be contemplating suicide. For me, since I had determined I would commit suicide on my 18th birthday, getting good grades and accomplishments seemed irrelevant. I would frequently skip school to drink and play poker at my friends house. I had a complete lack of concern for my grades or attendance. And getting into trouble wasn't a big concern for me. I cared little for some black mark on 'my record.'
The rebellious, angry person who is in trouble with the law and excessively drinking is often viewed by society as someone who needs a strong hand of discipline and consequences for their behavior. However, what may really be underneath their acting out is a desire to die. In this case, strong future consequences rather than investigating and dealing with the underlying desire, may only quicken and solidify the person's process towards the end of suicide.[a]
Besides making poor choices and acting out in self or other directed destructive behaviors, high stress can cause some people to become immobilized with fear. They are afraid to act at all in the midst of their pain. Withdrawal or dropping out [14] can be a sign that there may be difficulty and give us a cue to inquire. For example, if someone quits their job and doesn't have a plan for how they are going to meet their financial needs, it may be a sign that they are planning their suicide.
Sometimes one can also just be sick frequently because they are struggling with staying engaged and don't want to get out of bed. When one is exhausted from difficulties, they may, in their feelings of defeat, just lay in bed not wanting to get up at all. Lack of self care and hygiene can also be a sign of difficulty and no longer caring.
Self harming behavior can also give an indication of what someone is thinking and potential suicide risk. Non-fatal suicidal behavior, according to the statistics is 40 to 100 times greater than the number of suicides [15]. While cutting, etc. does not necessarily mean that someone is feeling suicidal, it can be an indication of their self destructive thought patterns and ultimately lead to further and further self destructive behaviors.
For myself, one of the ways that I would act out in this way would be to drink myself to what would be considered lethal limits of intoxication. I would sometimes drink continually beyond my capacity with a destructive hope that I would not wake up again.
Statistics show that there are 5 to 25% more suicides that are not reported as suicides [17]. Often overdoses on drugs and alcohol and not reported suicides even though the person may very well have been thinking of suicide in their self-destructive behavior. Also, car crashes, etc. can appear like an ordinary 'accident' and have suicide intent.
Finally, prior attempts of suicide can be an indicator that they may be contemplating suicide again during difficulty. LivingWorks notes that the rate of suicide is 40% greater among those who have previously attempted suicide in the past. This is the greatest risk for a person within the first few months of a previous attempt. [16]
Often prior behavior and thought patterns can be a reflection of current behavior. If one has not learned new tools to deal with their pain and gain resilience, they are more likely to go back to the old patterns of behavior that they knew in the past when difficulty arises again.
Understand Thought [17] Processes.
Most of these were covered previously so I won't go into detail. Desiring to escape, hopelessness about the future, and feeling helpless are all cues of a lack of resilience [18]. A person who is suicidal may not see any way out. They do not know where to even start in helping themselves. They may feel totally stuck in their pain looking to others to somehow rescue them.
It can be helpful to understand a little of the person's history, environment growing up, etc. Sometimes, people who have struggled with despair for a long period of time may have had a series of failures and making wrong decisions. Or they may have a past history of someone rescuing them from their poor decisions so that they have never learned from it (someone's parents paying off the child's gambling debts for example). Or someone in their life making all their decisions for them rather than empowering them to make their own.
They may not have any past successes to look to and feel they are incapable to make a decision. Or they may have been criticized for their decisions resulting in them developing a fear around making their own decisions. In this state, they feel helpless and look to everyone else to make their decisions for them. Then they feel all the more dis-empowered to help themselves and blame the other person when it does not work.
Also, feeling alone [19], like no one cares can be a cue. When people lack a good support network, they are more likely to struggle with a lack of resilience in difficulty. Sometimes people feel like a burden to those around them. They think that in committing suicide that they are doing family and friends a favor. They don't see it as a selfish act because they feel that they are burdening those around them.
Job hinted that he felt like a burden in Job 7:20. He said to God, “Why have You set me as a mark for You, so that I am a burden to myself [and You]?”
Family and friends can sometimes become exhausted and feel drained over time in dealing with the person in their despair. They may even avoid the person struggling in pain at times feeling like it is the same story over and over again and that the person in pain does not seem to get free from. In taking themselves out, the person in despair may feel they are freeing up their family and friends to have a better quality life.
On the other hand, sometimes people can have fleeting thoughts of suicide and may not really be seriously thinking about it. When asked directly, they may say something like, 'I have thought about it on occasion but I would never do it.' 'I don't have the guts and my religious beliefs don't allow me to go there.' It doesn't mean that they are playing games or are not in a great deal of pain, but that there is an opportunity to strengthen their barriers that would keep them safe and give them tools for greater resilience.
Sometimes it helps to assess if a person has a plan to see how serious their thoughts have been about suicide. People who have taken the time and energy to create a plan for how they would go about killing themselves and possibly have even secured the means (obtained the pills, purchased the bullets for the gun, etc.) are much more likely to be in immediate risk of suicide moreso than someone who has not thought that far along.
Acknowledge and Validate Feelings
Feelings that may come up with someone who is contemplating suicide are: desperate, angry, sad, ashamed, worthless, lonely, disconnected, and/or hopeless [20]. I would also add despairing, afraid, numb, helpless, grieving, shame, sorry for self, victimized, condemnation, and/or guilt plus many others can be added to this list.
Job had spoke of many of these emotions. He said, “you see my dismay and terror...” (Job 6:21). And he said he was “bitterly disappointed.” (Job 6:20). He also noted that in this place he could not see or hear God, causing him more grief, confusion and loss.
People can be afraid to validate negative emotions because they think that somehow they are then agreeing with the person in their resolution that their situation is painful and their only option is suicide. They may try to convince the person the situation they are experiencing is really not that bad and they shouldn't feel that way. This only leaves the person in pain feeling guilty and ashamed for their emotions besides still feeling the pain.
As Job and his friends demonstrated, it only makes the situation worse to fail to validate the person in their emotions. It is not the problem from our perspective that matters but from their perspective. Their feelings of loss are based on what they see as important and treasure and not what we see as important and treasure. People's feelings in their pain are not 'wrong' and need to be dealt with.
By validating someone's emotions, you give them permission to feel. Once emotions are felt rather than stuffed, they can have freedom to release them. Acknowledging to Job that it must have been incredibly painful to lose his children and everything he owned while struggling with physical pain in the midst of it would have demonstrated understanding. Saying it must feel overwhelming and you could see why he would feel dismayed, bitterly disappointed, and completely confused could provide comfort to Job. It would have probably helped him to process where he was at. Once he began to process it, he may be able to begin to see more possibilities.
Sometimes it becomes difficult for the person to separate the problem from who they are (and also for others to separate the person from the problem). The person takes on the identity of the problem. They feel ashamed and guilty about it. They may feel a sense of condemnation and turn to self destructive behaviors as the solution. Thoughts of “I am worthless” may lead to thoughts of “I would be better off dead” and “the world would be a better place without me.”
Blame can also be an issue for some people. Blame can keep people stuck for longer periods of time in their difficulty because they are not taking responsibility for themselves or the things that they can change. Their total focus is on someone else who they cannot change and do not have control over. This just adds to their anger, frustration, justification for destructive thoughts, co-dependence, etc.
Job blamed God and could not hear his voice any longer or believe in his mercy. He says in Job 9:16, “If I called and He answered me, yet would I not believe that He listened to my voice. For He overwhelms and breaks me with a tempest and multiplies my wounds without cause. He will not allow me to catch my breath, but fills me with bitterness.”
While we cannot often control the stressors, being able to take personal responsibility for ones own actions and ownership for one's responses can help mobilize a person and give them resilience. Also, somehow seeing God's hand in one's difficulty, not as the cause of one's pain, but seeing his mercy and goodness towards us in the midst of our problem can lead to hope for the future.
Job was unable to see God with him in his difficulties. Job says in Job 9:11, “Behold, He goes by me, and I see Him not; He passes on also, but I perceive him not.”
Hope for the Future
When someone is a Christian, it does not mean that they will not experience difficult emotions such as despair, helplessness, or hopelessness, but it does mean that they have an ultimate hope for the future that they could possibly connect with to give them strength to get through their difficulty.
Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. “
I was reading a story of joy that was sent out by my church. One person had shared a story that six months after their son's death, they were sitting in a place of numbness and thick darkness. Then suddenly, for a moment they could hear birds chirping again and could see the sunset in the west. They had an experience of a “pure piercing of God's JOY in my innermost being.” While it only lasted a short moment, it gave them hope enough to know that some day they could feel joy again. They wrote, “This momentary gift give me hope for the future.” [22]
Helping someone find their hope for the future can be significant. LivingWorks notes that a person has reasons for living or else they likely would not be telling you of their thoughts of suicide. They may need help discovering the reasons. Once they have, even a small and insignificant reason can give a person a reason for living and save their life. They note, “Part of your job in this task is to help the person at risk express, identify, and confirm their reason(s) for living.”[23] [b]
Job was searching for a reason to live and just needed help finding it. He said to God, “Remember [earnestly], I beseech You, that You have fashioned me as clay [out of the same earth material, exquisitely and elaborately]. And will You bring me to dust gain?” (Job 10:9)
He couldn't seem to find or grab hold of the hope for the future. He seemed to be tumbling further and further down the river of hopelessness and despair with the current pulling him under as no one reached out a hand to help him out of the deep waters.
Job told his friends, “My days are past, my purposes and plans are frustrated; even the thoughts (desires and possessions) of my heart are broken off. These [thoughts] extend from the night into the day, [so that] the light is short because of darkness... Where then is my hope? And if I have no hope, who will see [its fulfillment]? [My hope] shall go down to the bars of Sheol (the unseen state) when once there is rest in the dust.” (Job 17:11-16)
When Elihu finally spoke up, he did not explore reasons for living with Job and get him to commit to a plan for his safety. However, he had heard Job out and stayed in the bucket of Job's pain with him until he could demonstrate that he understood Job. Elihu did not judge Job but genuinely listened to his pain and was in it with him. As a result, Elihu could get to the heart of the matter with Job. Elihu spoke directly to Job's heart in humility about his believing in his own self righteousness.
In doing this, Elihu opened up Job's heart to hear from God again. And it was in hearing from God again that Job found his purpose and reason for living. Job came to a place of knowing that he was loved by God and seeing him with a new light.
He said in Job 42:5, “I had heard of You [only] by the hearing of the ear, but now my [spiritual] eye sees You.”
Once a person has found some reason for living, they become willing to help in the process of coming up with a plan to keep them safe. This may include removing the means from their reach (such as throwing away pills) and obtaining further medical and emotional support. This may also include making an agreement to not harm themselves and coming up with a plan for what to do when they are in a painful situation again and learning new coping tools.
Coming back to what I noted earlier, when someone knows God loves them, they can endure tremendous difficulty and remain resilient. David had went through incredible difficulties leading him to despair but he knew who he was as the beloved of God. David came out of tremendous difficulties praising the Lord.
In 2 Samuel 22:2-8 David wrote, “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior -from violent men you save me. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.
The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.”
2 Samuel 22:8, 17-18 David proclaims, “Then the earth reeled and quaked, the foundations of the heavens trembled and shook because He was angry... He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of great waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too might for me... He brought me forth into a large place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.”
Knowing that you are loved by God both can give someone the resilience they need to prevent them from ever coming to the place of despairing and contemplating suicide and it can also give someone hope for their future and they come to understand God's grace and mercy. And having hope for the future and a reason to live makes a significant difference in one's motivation and can change the course of their life.
Lord, We long to be more like Mordecai and Elihu. We long to love people into resilience, to see and call people out to a greater divine purpose, and to encourage and believe in people. We also long to genuinely hear and listen to those in pain with dignity and respect, understanding their stories, validating their emotions and calling them out into more. Teach us to truly “bear the sins and sorrows of others” [24] and love our brothers well. We long to be people who point others to God, in humility, helping them to hear from God for themselves. And helping them see and hold onto their hope for the future. Would you empower us and make us more like you.
a. For myself, the reason I was getting into trouble was to attract my father's attention away from my sister and mother. Anything my sister did wrong, I did ten times worse so that he didn't turn on her but me instead. I was drawing the negative attention away from her as a way to protect her.
For example, my sister would sometimes stay out too late with her friends and come home smelling like alcohol and cigarettes. As she started to get into more and more trouble for this, I went out and got drunk with my friends, was arrested for intoxication and thrown in jail (a holding cell) overnight. I then had to be picked up in the morning by my father. Her little bit of drinking, smoking and staying out late seemed like a minor infraction in comparison to my episodes of intoxication.
Because I was flunking school, skipping classes, and getting in trouble with the law for intoxication and other minor infractions, it accomplished what I wanted in that I drew my father's negative attention away from my sister's low grades and irresponsible behaviors. However, it also drew a great deal of discipline in my life. I was not going to be able to graduate or have a future career. I had more detention that I had years of classes to complete. Having no hope for a future solidified for me my thought process that suicide was my only option and way out.
b. Having become pregnant with my son, I suddenly looked at life differently. I had someone else I needed to protect and look out for. Giving my son up for adoption was not an option for me. Since I saw life from the perspective of my own experiences, I could only see adoption as giving my son into difficult situations with no one to protect him. When I became pregnant, I gave up drinking and smoking for the period of my pregnancy. And I started to see purpose, a reason for living. I suddenly had a future that became important and worth working towards.
I suddenly saw reasons to live and to finish school. I talked to the school and found out that if I went day and night to school and also over the summer, that I could catch some of it up. My school was incredibly gracious with me in my sudden turn around. This gave me incredible hope.
They let me count the night school for the detention I had accumulated. After doing well and working hard to make up as much of my classes as I could, they also released me early to graduate. I graduated only ½ year late from high school. Then when I went to college, I picked up what I lacked from my education.
1-21, 23. LivingWorks. Suicide Intervention Handbook. Living Works Education Inc, Calgary, Alberta. 2004. For more information on suicide intervention and promoting suicide-safer communities, see: www.livingworks.net
22. Church of The Open Door. Stories of Advent Joy. December 25th, 2011.
24. Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. The Cost of discipleship. The Image of Christ. Touchstone, New York, NY. 1959.
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