To Understand is More Important Than Being Right

 

“David said, ‘I am going to show loyalty to Hanun because his father, Nahash, was always loyal to me.’ So David sent messengers to express sympathy to Hanun about his father’s death. But when David’s ambassadors arrived in the land of Ammon, the Ammonite commanders said to Hanun, ‘Do you really think these men are coming here to honor your father? No! David has sent them to spy out the land so they can come in and conquer it! So Hanun seized David’s ambassadors and shaved them, cut off their robes at the buttocks, and sent them back to David in shame.” (1 Chronicles 19:2-4)

What an awful blunder! Suspicion and thinking the worst of the intentions of David resulted in disaster in this situation. What could have turned out to be a peaceful situation and wonderful relationship just kept escalating into greater disaster. Non only did Hanun cause an offense with David but it just kept getting worse and he continued to make assumptions.

When Hanun realized that he angered David, he went further into spending tons of money to hire troops to go to war against David. Then as David heard that they had recruited all kinds of troops to go to battle, David sent Joab and all his warriors to fight them (1 Chronicles 19:9). It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Joab and David’s troops sent the Ammonites and Arameans running. They realized they were no match for battle with Israel. Ok, so it continues to get even worse and escalate further. The Arameans summoned more troops from the other side of the Euphrates River as a result. This led to David hearing about it and mobilizing all the Israel troops to go to battle with them (1 Chronicles 19:17).

From starting out with sympathy towards Hanun and his people that could have turned into a positive relationship with benefits to both parties, favor and free trading, it became a disaster for the Arameans. They ended up losing 47,000 people and became David’s subjects which ended the alliance between the Arameans and Ammonites. And from here David’s troops went after the Ammonites and defeated them.

The King of the Ammonites either changed or moved to Rabbah to protect himself from attack from David and the Israelites. However, David’s troops laid siege and overtook the land. They removed the crown from the king’s head and placed it on David and then made slaves of the Ammonite people (1 Chronicles 20:2-3). What an ending to sending out a party out to give condolences for the death of the king’s father!

To think that this whole situation could have been completely different if suspicion and accusation did not get in and destroy the relationship. Proverbs 19:8 says “To acquire wisdom is to love yourself; people who cherish understanding will prosper.”

All that to say that understanding a situation through other’s eyes with wisdom is way more valuable than being right. Our assumptions about a person or a situation can get us in trouble. When we listen to an accusing voice and become offended, we can, decision after decision, go down a path that ends disastrous.

Ever been there? Ever looked at the brokenness before you and start thinking, ‘How did I get here?’ Then when you look at decision after decision with regret, you realize that your own assumptions, suspicions, judgements and accusations got you right where you are in a relationship.

We allow circumstances, judgements and past behavior frame our decisions in such a way at times that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Recently, I ran into this with someone that I work with. They have been super competitive in the past and a couple of times, I felt treated poorly by them. Rather than assuming the best about them and framing these situations as unique and out of their character, I let the difficult situations define my definition of their character. I judged them by it as competitive and looking to one up others.

So then as I was doing a project with them, I naturally assumed the worst of them when there was a question. We had planned to do a video of leadership in appreciation of employees. We all agreed upon it. Then when I saw them working on a video with a group of people and leaving out some of the leaders, I became frustrated and offended with them. I assumed that they were working on the video we discussed and leaving some of the leaders out because of politics and personal preference and being competitive with others.

I initially just dropped myself from the committee that I was working with them on. I bowed out with some nice words about how they were doing such a great job and didn’t need me. Inside resenting what I assumed they were doing. Then God spoke to me about working through my assumptions with them. He gave me a dream some time ago where I was meditating on a scripture, “In all things, let us lead in love.”

So I went back to understand only to find they were working on a different project and that was not their intention at all. I went from being judgmental to feeling very sheepish for my assumptions based upon past and drawing conclusions. I was grateful that I didn’t get further down this path of assumptions and damage the already strained relationship.

This is why God says so wisely that love is always patient and kind with others. It does not try to one up them or beat them out. It never takes that position of power over and control but of service to others. It seeks first to understand over getting one’s own way. It overlooks peoples mistakes and faults, even loving them at their worst and rejoicing when their failures become learning moments and victories. It puts up with the same mistakes over and over again while believing the best of and for others. Love never quits and gives up on people as a lost cause.

While we need to set clear boundaries with people who are toxic towards us, we also need to avoid defining people by past experience, fears, or suspicions. Our outlook of people matters and can become a self-fulling prophecy. People feel accused and build resentment. They then become oppositional, passive aggressive, or disengaged.

We see this with the labor force over the years. There used to be assumptions about people not being engaged and needing to be well supervised in order to get their work done. The assumption was that people could not be trusted, didn’t want to work and would do anything they could to get out of it. What this resulted in was lack of engagement and people not wanting to work. Costs went up to supervise the work.

Then came along theories about work that people ultimately wanted to make a difference. Given the chance to excel and succeed at something, be recognized, and encouraged, they would engage and would not need tons of rules and monitoring. Laws and rules become unnecessary when people have a framework, are invested in and empowered to make a difference. It is the law of engagement.

I see this with the Leadership program that I put together annually called LEAP. As the staff are identified as high potential, invested in, and empowered, they step up into a new level of being empowered while getting equipped for higher levels of responsibilities. Their commitment grows because they begin to believe they both can make a difference and are empowered and believed in.

When anyone looks back in their lives to the most influential leaders they have had, most the time it will be someone who believed in them and called the good out of them. It was someone who saw them. It was not the smartest person or the one with the most skill. This is the case for me as well. My first boss believed in me and it made a huge difference in my life. I wouldn’t be where I am in my career without his influence.

It wasn’t because of some wisdom he poured out on me or great thoughts that I respected, honored and wanted to follow him; It was actually because he believed and made room for me. He would have a problem in the organization that seemed insurmountable and he would give it to me to figure it out. I was able to accomplish incredible feats just because he believed in me and challenged me. I wrote databases, set up the first ever peer to peer network, and developed amazing reporting that was ages ahead of other competitive organizations.

I was so grateful for him as a boss and loved his leadership. When I eventually moved on years later [as the organization had merged with another organization and there was tons of conflict everywhere], it was incredibly hard to leave because of his leadership. He remains a mentor and friend that I highly respect even today all these years later and he is in his final stages of MS.

All this to say that understanding is more important than being right. Proverbs 18:13 says, “To answer before listening---that is folly and shame.” Listening and understanding comes before making conclusions or giving opinions.

Judging people and assumptions about intentions leads to disaster after disaster. The more we can hope and anticipate that people want to make a difference and are working out good the best they can, the more room we leave for this self-fulling prophesy. I recently read a book called, Trust and Inspire, and believe this is the age that God is moving us into with greater measure. When we assume people are trustworthy and want to make a difference, and we inspire them to do so, they will rise to the occasion.

Even doing everything ourselves, holding decisions closely, and directing people can demonstrate a lack of empowerment and belief in them. We are to work for treasures in heaven rather than treasures on earth. This means that the more that others around us flourish and do good, the more that is added to our eternal account. As we believe in others and make room for them to come along side us, grow and even take the lead at various points, we gain more than them.

Jesus said, “Give all you have to the poor and come follow Me” for a reason. It is not about even living this powerful life of making a difference ourselves that matters at the end of the day. It is not what we are seen for and how popular we are. Rather it is for how we gave our lives away to others and caused them to flourish that matters. Our return comes from our long term investment. How we made room for them and caused them to flourish and they, in turn, impacted others in the same way.

As I mentioned, when we don’t empower people or listen to them and understand them, it is not only difficult to connect, but hard to get engagement. David had told Joab to take a census and Joab didn’t agree because he knew it was wrong. He loathed doing it and so missed part of the count as he was so distressed about it. And doing it led to a disaster for David, Joab and the people with 70,000 deaths as a result of a plague breaking out. Had David listened to Joab, it could have resulted in a different outcome.

But in the same way that David believed in Joab and gave him room to lead, Joab needed to turn around and do the same. Even when David made a mistake, it was important that Joab believed the best about David and supported him in stopping it and moving forward. Sometimes we can expect our leaders to be perfect and always make a wise decision. David reminds us that leaders are just as imperfect as the rest of us. What matters in the end is that they continually seek to be “a man after God’s own heart.”

Lord Jesus, help us to lead well, to follow well and especially to love well.