"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand"
-David had a revelation of His Father's love for him. In Psalm 139:1-18 he proclaimed:
David was not always someone who knew his significance. When David's family was invited to dinner with Samuel, an important event where Jesse (his father) would have his sons pass by in front of Samuel, David was left home. He did not have enough significance in His father's eyes to be brought with. Jesse took his seven older brothers and left David home to care for the sheep (1 Samuel 16:11). David also did not hold significance in his brother's eyes. When David asked about the reward for going against Goliath, Eliab, his oldest brother, became angry with him and said to him, “Why did you come down here? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness?” (1 Samuel 17:28)
Yet, David understood that in the eyes of His Father God, he had great significance. He knew that God had more thoughts of him that the grains of sand on the seashore. Every day that David lived, he knew that each one was written in God's book before any of them came about. He proclaimed that He could not possibly escape the love of God. God had hedged him in.
“How great Your love for us!”
Years ago when I was a new Christian, I had a revelation of God as my Father that changed the way I saw Him. I was excited about all I was learning about God. And while I had wanted to truly know His love for me, somewhere in my mind I had a picture of Him that He was this big God who stood far off in the distance disapproving of all my sin.
As I was spending time in my prayer room, He gave me a new perspective of Him (and myself). He showed me the earth, the universe, sun, stars, babies, colors, and even the grass; At that moment, I knew that He created everything and was actively aware and involved on every level with His creation– from every blade of grass that springs up to every baby that is born. I began to have a revelation of His incredible magnitude. I understood that He stands outside of time. I saw what seemed to be an infinite amount of people from time beginning to time ending. He created each one and knew everything about them all.
I suddenly realized how small and insignificant I was compared to the universe and the magnitude of people. I felt so disheartened. With tears in my eyes I asked Him, “God, where do I belong? Why would you even bother with me? I am not even a spec of dust in a moment of time.” And He said, “Twila, you belong at the center of my heart.” At that moment, He became my Father and I knew I belonged to Him. I knew, even though I am insignificant in proportion to the universe, I am significant to Him. I understood that He created me at the center of His heart.
“You've captured my heart with this love, 'cause nothing on earth is as beautiful as You!”
The revelation I had of God's love for me as a new Christian was the beginning for me of a journey of coming to the understanding that I had value and significance. I was overwhelmed with the thought that I had value to Him for no other reason than He created me.
Deep down, I had always felt as a non-Christian that there was something terribly defective about me. Ironically, as I sat around the table this last weekend with a group of friends, all of them admitted to feeling this same way at some point in time. We had all bought into the lie that there was something deeply wrong about ourselves and that we were trying to fit in with everyone else who was 'normal.'
For me, as a Christian what this feeling of being defective created in me was a fear and shame about being found out. I needed to fit in so I wouldn't be found out. I had to polish my behaviors to cover up the truth. The other thing that it created within me as a Christian was a strong desire to perform to make myself worthwhile to God and others. I believed that God and others could not care about me unless I somehow made myself of value to them. [a]
Judy Hougen writes, “Identity is always forged in and through relationships... The persona that is built and molded in human-centered interactions is the false self. The self that was created by God and is unfolded in communion with him is the true self. The identity that we embrace determines if ours will be a life of shadow or substance, a life celebrated in the good country of grace or an existence marked by self-imposed exile from our deepest truths.” [1]
While I have been healed tremendously of this belief about myself over time, I still know I struggle with it. One of the way it comes out for me is a fear about stepping out and being noticed. I like to blend in with the crowd. I still have some fear around standing out, taking a stand, and being different from others (a blue marble in a group of orange ones as a friend would say). Deep down I think that I worry that if I am noticed what people will notice about me is that there is something wrong with me. I don't want to risk speaking up and standing out. The result has been a mask of a reserved professionalism that keeps others at a slight distance from me.
The other way it comes out for me is in performance. I work hard at performing and to earn approval because deep down I don't always fully approve of myself. I try to make myself of value to God and those I care about.
The result is performance in my relationship with God and others. When God gives me things to do and be responsible for, my focus is not always fully on my relationship with God while I do them. Instead it is often about doing them well so He (and others) are not disappointed with me. What becomes most important is completing the task well. When I am able to succeed, then I feel great about myself. However, what also happens is that I become self righteous and critical of others for not getting it right. And when I fail, I cower out of His presence feeling undeserving of His affections.
Judy Hougen writes that the false self is a facade we create outside of God to gain love and acceptance in the world, a mask of counterfeit adequacy. [2]
The fruit of living out of the false self is that I miss the opportunity to commune with God. I am too busy performing and trying to get everything right. I put God on hold while I work hard to seek his approval. I may do the task to earn the love of God and others but not in the love of God and for the love of others. Often, I am striving to somehow get it right so that I can have a deeper relationship with God rather than just letting myself have a deeper relationship with God.
“Give to the wind your fear, hope and be undismayed, God hears your sighs and counts your tears, God will lift up...your head” sings in the background.
Judy Hougen writes that the whole point in understanding and guarding ourselves against the false self is this: “that we might worship God alone and serve him with undivided and unfettered hearts.”[3]
These feelings and performance based behaviors are no where as strong as they used to be when I was a new Christian. [b] I'd like to believe that more and more as I have received the truth that I am loved and created in His image at my core and that His thoughts towards me are more than the sand on the seashore, that I have more and more come to life, letting go of the 'false self'.
Judy Hougen writes about the true and false self, “What motivates you in your work and your relationships?” She notes, “In the final analysis, there are two motivations for all spiritual action – love and power (the definition of power here is broadened to include any self-centered, ego-driven payoff sought in our actions). Every change affected in faith communities- and human affairs as a whole- derives from one of these two sources of motivation: we act to either give or receive the authentic love of God, or we play the false self's power game while parading in a sheepskin of Christian love.” … While our motives are always mixed, either power or love will anchor and generate the primary energy.” [4]
Ironically, sometimes when I try to live out of the true self, I work hard at it and it ends up being another target that I need to achieve. I end up in performance – really living out of the false self. I may get the behaviors right, like demonstrating love to my neighbor, but it is not the fruit of the Spirit but rather the fruit of doing the behaviors I know I 'should do' as a Christian.
Judy Hougen writes, “'...Abandonment is the key to inward spiritual life.'[5] The moment of abandonment is a movement from -to use Gerald May's terms -willfulness to willingness. May explains the difference between these two concepts: 'Willfulness is the setting of oneself apart from the fundamental essence of life in an attempt to master, direct, control, or otherwise manipulate existence. More simply, willingness is saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment.'” [6]
When I operate out of knowing that I am loved by Him, rather than being fearful and performance based, I look at the world through eyes of expectancy, trust, hope and wonder. I no longer feel the need to perform out of emptiness and need, but rather can give out of the freedom of what I have been given. I can love and reach out to others in overflowing joy because I have been loved so well. I don't need to fear what others will think because I know how much I am loved.
“How great Your love for us!”
I say this but often forget it in my heart: God created us for fellowship with Him. He did not create us because He needed us to accomplish something for Him. He does not need us. Rather we were created to display His glory. (Romans 11:36)
Ephesians 2:10 says that we are “God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” As one commentary notes, workmanship is the Greek word poiema, Strong’s #4161. The word means, 'a thing made' and translates into English as 'poem.' It indicates “a handiwork, a masterpiece.” This commentary notes, God's people are His 'poem', “just as all creation is (Ps. 19:1; Rom. 1:20).” [7]
When we live in the love of God and operate our lives out of this place of knowing we are deeply loved, we naturally bring God into the situations we encounter. Rather than performing, we do the 'good works' which were prepared in advance for us to do. We give away the love which has been lavished on us.
Some years ago I read about a study that was done to see how people responded when they saw someone else in need. It went something like this: They had someone drop papers all over the floor where people were busily trying to get to where they were going. Then they watched to see if people would stop and help. What was interesting is that when a person just had something good happen to them, like found money of the floor, they were twice as likely to stop and help the person in need.
When people are freely receiving the love of God and listening to His voice which is building them up and making them stronger in Him, they are going to be twice as likely to notice the person in need and stop and say something encouraging that gives them life.
Ephesians 4:29 (NCV) says, “When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need -words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.”
Often, when I read this verse, it is another performance measure for me. I think that I must work hard to encourage others and help them grow stronger. While this is a good thing, in Matthew 10:8, Jesus says to His disciples, “Give as freely as you have received!” It is out of the place of receiving first love from God that I genuinely have something to give to others.
First and foremost, when Jesus walked the earth, He was present to His Father. [c] He never left His presence and He lived His life on the earth out of this place of receiving His Father's love and giving it away. In John 10:30 Jesus says, “I and the Father are one.” It is standing in a position, present to God and present to others, where we possess this freedom to receive from God and then give to others.
Judy Hougen speaks of contemplative spirituality as where the head and the heart become integrated, and life becomes immersed in the presence of God. It is the place of being both present to God and the world. She notes that there are two primary principles that help us to understand contemplative spirituality. [8]
First since God is the author of creation, sustaining all things, we need not worry about 'getting somewhere' or striving to 'get to God.' She writes, “if I am in Christ, God is already fully present. Because of our fallenness, however, we fail to walk in the light of this reality.” [9]
Thus the second principle is that the purpose of our disciplines is to become present to God. She writes, “Being present to God is not just having ideas about him but soaking in God's love and mercy for us as our sole means of transformation and carrying that Presence, that love, into our day.” [10]
She writes about contemplative spirituality, “This kind of integrated living is within our reach. Contemplation, as the word indicates, contemplates something -the person of God -not in lively mental interaction but in the restful manner that two lovers abide in each other's presence. Contemplation, then, is a love-filled, spirit-to-Spirit gazing.” [11]
“Beautiful One I love, Beautiful One I adore, Beautiful One my soul must sing!”
Judy Hougen writes that at the center of contemplation is love. And she notes, “What, then, is the end of our disciplines? Is it only to form correct thoughts about God or to deepen our awareness of God himself? Is it to live more fully in his presence, loving him and worshiping him with our whole hearts? If the aim of disciplines is awareness of God's presence and love, then contemplation must be legitimate, for contemplation is a path whereby we might place ourselves before God, experiencing him, loving him, surrendering in worship to his will.” [12]
AW Tozer says, “Being made in His image we have within us the capacity to know Him. In our sins we only lack the power. The moment the Spirit has quickened us to life in regeneration our whole being senses its kinship to God and leaps up in joyous recognition... To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul’s paradox of love.” [13]
I often think of spiritual disciplines related to spiritual contemplation as a practice of Lectio Divina or Centering Prayer. While she mentions both of these practices in her book as specific disciplines, she notes, “Any spiritual practice that brings us into restful awareness of God as the reality in which we are constantly immersed can be contemplative.” [14]
“Standing here so close to You, we could be consumed” sings
The whole purpose of spiritual contemplation is to draw us into a deep and abiding relationship with God. Abiding in God, having a restful awareness of His presence, is something every Christian needs to perform the good works which God has for one to do. The good works that we are designed to do need to flow out of a nearness to God – loving God with our whole hearts, minds, souls and strength.
And out of this place of abiding, we bear the fruit of love and true holiness rather than our striving for obedience by conforming our behaviors to His word.
Galatians 5:5-6 says, “For it is by the power of the Spirit, who works in us because we trust and are faithful, that we confidently expect our hope of attaining righteousness to be fulfilled. When we are united with the Messiah, neither being circumcised or being uncircumcised matters; what matters is trusting faithfulness expressing itself through love.”
Also, rather than hiding our sin behind a mask that we are perfect, we become free to be open about it and deal it when it comes up. It no longer has the power to define our identity.
In Psalm 139, after David proclaimed that He was deeply loved by God, He cried out, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24)
So what can I learn from this?
For myself I realize that I often focus too much on holiness or getting right those things that God gave me to do. I see this as the outcome I am trying to attain rather than building relationship with Him. When I focus on getting everything right, what I am doing is letting my performance define who I am. If I perform well, I am okay. And when I fail to perform, I am not okay.
I often think that I need to press in harder and push myself more. I think to myself that if I was just more holy and could get my act together, I could accomplish more for His kingdom. I want to fulfill all he has for me and I do not want to be the servant who is found sleeping when He returns.
Sometimes He gently lets me know when I miss the mark or fail to stay focused on what He has for me. But at the same time, could it be that His desire is not so much focused on what I accomplish for Him as that I come to know Him in the process?
I know in my heart it is my desire to accomplish something for His kingdom. I love Him and my heart deeply desires to both know Him and serve Him. However, loving Him and knowing Him needs to come before accomplishing something for His kingdom. If it doesn't, I will try to get my identity and value from what I accomplish for Him rather than from my relationship with Him. It is because I love Him and know Him, that a true desire to see His kingdom come flows.
Could it be that what matters to Him is not as much if I get everything right and do well on what He has given me to do as how I am relating to Him in the moment? Could it be that He shares His heart for His purposes with me sometimes before He brings them about not just for me to pray and work to accomplish them but because He enjoys my company and loves to tell me about what He is doing? Could it be that what He desires more than my performance is that I grow in my relationship with Him, -knowing Him and trusting Him?
Lord, I know how the story ends.... just as the song sings, it will all end in joy. We need not fear the end from the beginning because we are in Your loving hands. Your love is unfailing and unshakable. At the same time, I long to fulfill all You have for me here and now. But I am realizing, what I need more than anything is to grow in learning to be with You rather than performing for You.
Would you wrap Your loving arms around us and draw us out of performance. Would you fully establish us in loving relationship with You. Root us deeply in Your love and love us to life so we may be fully present to You and with You in all we do.
[a] Before I knew Christ, how I found a sense of value was through the workplace. I learned that because I worked hard and was smart, I was valued at work. And work for me created a sense of structure and stability that I did not have growing up. I understood the rules and knew what was expected of me. For me, work formed my sense of identity in a more positive sense than I had of myself in childhood.
Because of this, I also had tremendous fear around losing this sense of identity. As a result, every time I was promoted, I felt I had to work all the harder at maintaining my position (and identity). Then when my father was passing away, it brought up emotions and anger that I had stuffed and tried to put behind me. I could no longer hold it all in or manage it all. After working too many hours around this time, I experienced burn out. I went into a severe depression and began to become incapacitated.
I sought feedback from family and a counselor to try to validate that I was or would be somehow okay. Instead, what they were saying terrified me. Deep down in my heart, it validated what I believed about myself at the core -that there was something wrong about me. Everyone else was normal but I would never be because of the childhood abuse.
Then God healed me of the severe depression and I was deeply grateful. I was overwhelmed with His generosity and began to pursue Him with all I had within me. And step by step He has patiently brought me through a process of healing and learning that I am deeply loved and created in His image. He is ever loving me to life.
“How could You be so good to me? Eternally I believe there is no one like You!!!” sings.
[b] When I was a new Christian, I wrote the following poem as I was struggling to understand His love for me:
Precious Daughter, don’t you know,
How it is I love you so?
You are my daughter, created with much thought,
Just perfect for the purpose which you are sought.
I will be there to guide the way,
To hold you, teach you, and protect you from stray.
Just hold out your hand and trust in me,
Then my dear, wait and see.
Let go of the striving and trying to please,
You desire approval to feel at ease.
Your security is held tight in my hand,
As I’ve promised you Twila, the Promised Land.
Yes, of course I call you by name,
You’re uniquely separate and not the same.
Learn to be who you are,
With your own special gifts step out and apart.
Trust my Word as I speak to you,
Remember that I will see you through.
Don’t let fear keep you away,
From all I have for you each day.
You are special in my eyes and I do care,
No matter the problem, I will be there.
Even when I stray so far, even when I pull apart?
Will you still love me, will you still care?
Can I count on you to be there??
With all this striving, I get so lost,
I sin against you at such a high cost.
I push you away and do my own thing,
Then I can’t feel you near, my Lord, my King.
Your love is what I really need,
Your approval, to know that you are pleased.
To feel your heart beat with mine,
To feel your love that is so divine.
Precious daughter, as you well know,
I care for you and love you so.
I watch over you all your days,
Leading and guiding you in my ways.
I am not mad at you,
I love to see all you do.
Learning to obey won’t happen in one day,
So let me wash your frets away.
You will get there in my time,
Let go into my love that is so divine!
c. This thought may have come from Judy Hougen's book, Transformed into Fire.
1-4, 6, 8-12m 14. Hougen, Judith. Transformed into Fire: An Invitation to Life in the True Self. Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, MI. 2002.
5. Quoted from Jeanne Guyon. Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ (Sargent, Ga.; SeedSowers. 1975), 33.
7. Radmacher, E. D., Allen, R. B., & House, H. W. (1999). Nelson's new illustrated Bible commentary (Eph 2:8-10). Nashville: T. Nelson Publishers.
13. A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God. Christian Publications, Camp Hill, PA. 1993.
“O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down. And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.“Where ever you are, where ever you've been, He's been there.”
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall fall on me, even the night shall be light about me; Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.”
David was not always someone who knew his significance. When David's family was invited to dinner with Samuel, an important event where Jesse (his father) would have his sons pass by in front of Samuel, David was left home. He did not have enough significance in His father's eyes to be brought with. Jesse took his seven older brothers and left David home to care for the sheep (1 Samuel 16:11). David also did not hold significance in his brother's eyes. When David asked about the reward for going against Goliath, Eliab, his oldest brother, became angry with him and said to him, “Why did you come down here? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness?” (1 Samuel 17:28)
Yet, David understood that in the eyes of His Father God, he had great significance. He knew that God had more thoughts of him that the grains of sand on the seashore. Every day that David lived, he knew that each one was written in God's book before any of them came about. He proclaimed that He could not possibly escape the love of God. God had hedged him in.
“How great Your love for us!”
Years ago when I was a new Christian, I had a revelation of God as my Father that changed the way I saw Him. I was excited about all I was learning about God. And while I had wanted to truly know His love for me, somewhere in my mind I had a picture of Him that He was this big God who stood far off in the distance disapproving of all my sin.
As I was spending time in my prayer room, He gave me a new perspective of Him (and myself). He showed me the earth, the universe, sun, stars, babies, colors, and even the grass; At that moment, I knew that He created everything and was actively aware and involved on every level with His creation– from every blade of grass that springs up to every baby that is born. I began to have a revelation of His incredible magnitude. I understood that He stands outside of time. I saw what seemed to be an infinite amount of people from time beginning to time ending. He created each one and knew everything about them all.
I suddenly realized how small and insignificant I was compared to the universe and the magnitude of people. I felt so disheartened. With tears in my eyes I asked Him, “God, where do I belong? Why would you even bother with me? I am not even a spec of dust in a moment of time.” And He said, “Twila, you belong at the center of my heart.” At that moment, He became my Father and I knew I belonged to Him. I knew, even though I am insignificant in proportion to the universe, I am significant to Him. I understood that He created me at the center of His heart.
“You've captured my heart with this love, 'cause nothing on earth is as beautiful as You!”
The revelation I had of God's love for me as a new Christian was the beginning for me of a journey of coming to the understanding that I had value and significance. I was overwhelmed with the thought that I had value to Him for no other reason than He created me.
Deep down, I had always felt as a non-Christian that there was something terribly defective about me. Ironically, as I sat around the table this last weekend with a group of friends, all of them admitted to feeling this same way at some point in time. We had all bought into the lie that there was something deeply wrong about ourselves and that we were trying to fit in with everyone else who was 'normal.'
For me, as a Christian what this feeling of being defective created in me was a fear and shame about being found out. I needed to fit in so I wouldn't be found out. I had to polish my behaviors to cover up the truth. The other thing that it created within me as a Christian was a strong desire to perform to make myself worthwhile to God and others. I believed that God and others could not care about me unless I somehow made myself of value to them. [a]
Judy Hougen writes, “Identity is always forged in and through relationships... The persona that is built and molded in human-centered interactions is the false self. The self that was created by God and is unfolded in communion with him is the true self. The identity that we embrace determines if ours will be a life of shadow or substance, a life celebrated in the good country of grace or an existence marked by self-imposed exile from our deepest truths.” [1]
While I have been healed tremendously of this belief about myself over time, I still know I struggle with it. One of the way it comes out for me is a fear about stepping out and being noticed. I like to blend in with the crowd. I still have some fear around standing out, taking a stand, and being different from others (a blue marble in a group of orange ones as a friend would say). Deep down I think that I worry that if I am noticed what people will notice about me is that there is something wrong with me. I don't want to risk speaking up and standing out. The result has been a mask of a reserved professionalism that keeps others at a slight distance from me.
The other way it comes out for me is in performance. I work hard at performing and to earn approval because deep down I don't always fully approve of myself. I try to make myself of value to God and those I care about.
The result is performance in my relationship with God and others. When God gives me things to do and be responsible for, my focus is not always fully on my relationship with God while I do them. Instead it is often about doing them well so He (and others) are not disappointed with me. What becomes most important is completing the task well. When I am able to succeed, then I feel great about myself. However, what also happens is that I become self righteous and critical of others for not getting it right. And when I fail, I cower out of His presence feeling undeserving of His affections.
Judy Hougen writes that the false self is a facade we create outside of God to gain love and acceptance in the world, a mask of counterfeit adequacy. [2]
The fruit of living out of the false self is that I miss the opportunity to commune with God. I am too busy performing and trying to get everything right. I put God on hold while I work hard to seek his approval. I may do the task to earn the love of God and others but not in the love of God and for the love of others. Often, I am striving to somehow get it right so that I can have a deeper relationship with God rather than just letting myself have a deeper relationship with God.
“Give to the wind your fear, hope and be undismayed, God hears your sighs and counts your tears, God will lift up...your head” sings in the background.
Judy Hougen writes that the whole point in understanding and guarding ourselves against the false self is this: “that we might worship God alone and serve him with undivided and unfettered hearts.”[3]
These feelings and performance based behaviors are no where as strong as they used to be when I was a new Christian. [b] I'd like to believe that more and more as I have received the truth that I am loved and created in His image at my core and that His thoughts towards me are more than the sand on the seashore, that I have more and more come to life, letting go of the 'false self'.
Judy Hougen writes about the true and false self, “What motivates you in your work and your relationships?” She notes, “In the final analysis, there are two motivations for all spiritual action – love and power (the definition of power here is broadened to include any self-centered, ego-driven payoff sought in our actions). Every change affected in faith communities- and human affairs as a whole- derives from one of these two sources of motivation: we act to either give or receive the authentic love of God, or we play the false self's power game while parading in a sheepskin of Christian love.” … While our motives are always mixed, either power or love will anchor and generate the primary energy.” [4]
Ironically, sometimes when I try to live out of the true self, I work hard at it and it ends up being another target that I need to achieve. I end up in performance – really living out of the false self. I may get the behaviors right, like demonstrating love to my neighbor, but it is not the fruit of the Spirit but rather the fruit of doing the behaviors I know I 'should do' as a Christian.
Judy Hougen writes, “'...Abandonment is the key to inward spiritual life.'[5] The moment of abandonment is a movement from -to use Gerald May's terms -willfulness to willingness. May explains the difference between these two concepts: 'Willfulness is the setting of oneself apart from the fundamental essence of life in an attempt to master, direct, control, or otherwise manipulate existence. More simply, willingness is saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment.'” [6]
When I operate out of knowing that I am loved by Him, rather than being fearful and performance based, I look at the world through eyes of expectancy, trust, hope and wonder. I no longer feel the need to perform out of emptiness and need, but rather can give out of the freedom of what I have been given. I can love and reach out to others in overflowing joy because I have been loved so well. I don't need to fear what others will think because I know how much I am loved.
“How great Your love for us!”
I say this but often forget it in my heart: God created us for fellowship with Him. He did not create us because He needed us to accomplish something for Him. He does not need us. Rather we were created to display His glory. (Romans 11:36)
Ephesians 2:10 says that we are “God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” As one commentary notes, workmanship is the Greek word poiema, Strong’s #4161. The word means, 'a thing made' and translates into English as 'poem.' It indicates “a handiwork, a masterpiece.” This commentary notes, God's people are His 'poem', “just as all creation is (Ps. 19:1; Rom. 1:20).” [7]
When we live in the love of God and operate our lives out of this place of knowing we are deeply loved, we naturally bring God into the situations we encounter. Rather than performing, we do the 'good works' which were prepared in advance for us to do. We give away the love which has been lavished on us.
Some years ago I read about a study that was done to see how people responded when they saw someone else in need. It went something like this: They had someone drop papers all over the floor where people were busily trying to get to where they were going. Then they watched to see if people would stop and help. What was interesting is that when a person just had something good happen to them, like found money of the floor, they were twice as likely to stop and help the person in need.
When people are freely receiving the love of God and listening to His voice which is building them up and making them stronger in Him, they are going to be twice as likely to notice the person in need and stop and say something encouraging that gives them life.
Ephesians 4:29 (NCV) says, “When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need -words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.”
Often, when I read this verse, it is another performance measure for me. I think that I must work hard to encourage others and help them grow stronger. While this is a good thing, in Matthew 10:8, Jesus says to His disciples, “Give as freely as you have received!” It is out of the place of receiving first love from God that I genuinely have something to give to others.
First and foremost, when Jesus walked the earth, He was present to His Father. [c] He never left His presence and He lived His life on the earth out of this place of receiving His Father's love and giving it away. In John 10:30 Jesus says, “I and the Father are one.” It is standing in a position, present to God and present to others, where we possess this freedom to receive from God and then give to others.
Judy Hougen speaks of contemplative spirituality as where the head and the heart become integrated, and life becomes immersed in the presence of God. It is the place of being both present to God and the world. She notes that there are two primary principles that help us to understand contemplative spirituality. [8]
First since God is the author of creation, sustaining all things, we need not worry about 'getting somewhere' or striving to 'get to God.' She writes, “if I am in Christ, God is already fully present. Because of our fallenness, however, we fail to walk in the light of this reality.” [9]
Thus the second principle is that the purpose of our disciplines is to become present to God. She writes, “Being present to God is not just having ideas about him but soaking in God's love and mercy for us as our sole means of transformation and carrying that Presence, that love, into our day.” [10]
She writes about contemplative spirituality, “This kind of integrated living is within our reach. Contemplation, as the word indicates, contemplates something -the person of God -not in lively mental interaction but in the restful manner that two lovers abide in each other's presence. Contemplation, then, is a love-filled, spirit-to-Spirit gazing.” [11]
“Beautiful One I love, Beautiful One I adore, Beautiful One my soul must sing!”
Judy Hougen writes that at the center of contemplation is love. And she notes, “What, then, is the end of our disciplines? Is it only to form correct thoughts about God or to deepen our awareness of God himself? Is it to live more fully in his presence, loving him and worshiping him with our whole hearts? If the aim of disciplines is awareness of God's presence and love, then contemplation must be legitimate, for contemplation is a path whereby we might place ourselves before God, experiencing him, loving him, surrendering in worship to his will.” [12]
AW Tozer says, “Being made in His image we have within us the capacity to know Him. In our sins we only lack the power. The moment the Spirit has quickened us to life in regeneration our whole being senses its kinship to God and leaps up in joyous recognition... To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul’s paradox of love.” [13]
I often think of spiritual disciplines related to spiritual contemplation as a practice of Lectio Divina or Centering Prayer. While she mentions both of these practices in her book as specific disciplines, she notes, “Any spiritual practice that brings us into restful awareness of God as the reality in which we are constantly immersed can be contemplative.” [14]
“Standing here so close to You, we could be consumed” sings
The whole purpose of spiritual contemplation is to draw us into a deep and abiding relationship with God. Abiding in God, having a restful awareness of His presence, is something every Christian needs to perform the good works which God has for one to do. The good works that we are designed to do need to flow out of a nearness to God – loving God with our whole hearts, minds, souls and strength.
And out of this place of abiding, we bear the fruit of love and true holiness rather than our striving for obedience by conforming our behaviors to His word.
Galatians 5:5-6 says, “For it is by the power of the Spirit, who works in us because we trust and are faithful, that we confidently expect our hope of attaining righteousness to be fulfilled. When we are united with the Messiah, neither being circumcised or being uncircumcised matters; what matters is trusting faithfulness expressing itself through love.”
Also, rather than hiding our sin behind a mask that we are perfect, we become free to be open about it and deal it when it comes up. It no longer has the power to define our identity.
In Psalm 139, after David proclaimed that He was deeply loved by God, He cried out, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24)
So what can I learn from this?
For myself I realize that I often focus too much on holiness or getting right those things that God gave me to do. I see this as the outcome I am trying to attain rather than building relationship with Him. When I focus on getting everything right, what I am doing is letting my performance define who I am. If I perform well, I am okay. And when I fail to perform, I am not okay.
I often think that I need to press in harder and push myself more. I think to myself that if I was just more holy and could get my act together, I could accomplish more for His kingdom. I want to fulfill all he has for me and I do not want to be the servant who is found sleeping when He returns.
Sometimes He gently lets me know when I miss the mark or fail to stay focused on what He has for me. But at the same time, could it be that His desire is not so much focused on what I accomplish for Him as that I come to know Him in the process?
I know in my heart it is my desire to accomplish something for His kingdom. I love Him and my heart deeply desires to both know Him and serve Him. However, loving Him and knowing Him needs to come before accomplishing something for His kingdom. If it doesn't, I will try to get my identity and value from what I accomplish for Him rather than from my relationship with Him. It is because I love Him and know Him, that a true desire to see His kingdom come flows.
Could it be that what matters to Him is not as much if I get everything right and do well on what He has given me to do as how I am relating to Him in the moment? Could it be that He shares His heart for His purposes with me sometimes before He brings them about not just for me to pray and work to accomplish them but because He enjoys my company and loves to tell me about what He is doing? Could it be that what He desires more than my performance is that I grow in my relationship with Him, -knowing Him and trusting Him?
Lord, I know how the story ends.... just as the song sings, it will all end in joy. We need not fear the end from the beginning because we are in Your loving hands. Your love is unfailing and unshakable. At the same time, I long to fulfill all You have for me here and now. But I am realizing, what I need more than anything is to grow in learning to be with You rather than performing for You.
Would you wrap Your loving arms around us and draw us out of performance. Would you fully establish us in loving relationship with You. Root us deeply in Your love and love us to life so we may be fully present to You and with You in all we do.
[a] Before I knew Christ, how I found a sense of value was through the workplace. I learned that because I worked hard and was smart, I was valued at work. And work for me created a sense of structure and stability that I did not have growing up. I understood the rules and knew what was expected of me. For me, work formed my sense of identity in a more positive sense than I had of myself in childhood.
Because of this, I also had tremendous fear around losing this sense of identity. As a result, every time I was promoted, I felt I had to work all the harder at maintaining my position (and identity). Then when my father was passing away, it brought up emotions and anger that I had stuffed and tried to put behind me. I could no longer hold it all in or manage it all. After working too many hours around this time, I experienced burn out. I went into a severe depression and began to become incapacitated.
I sought feedback from family and a counselor to try to validate that I was or would be somehow okay. Instead, what they were saying terrified me. Deep down in my heart, it validated what I believed about myself at the core -that there was something wrong about me. Everyone else was normal but I would never be because of the childhood abuse.
Then God healed me of the severe depression and I was deeply grateful. I was overwhelmed with His generosity and began to pursue Him with all I had within me. And step by step He has patiently brought me through a process of healing and learning that I am deeply loved and created in His image. He is ever loving me to life.
“How could You be so good to me? Eternally I believe there is no one like You!!!” sings.
[b] When I was a new Christian, I wrote the following poem as I was struggling to understand His love for me:
Precious Daughter, don’t you know,
How it is I love you so?
You are my daughter, created with much thought,
Just perfect for the purpose which you are sought.
I will be there to guide the way,
To hold you, teach you, and protect you from stray.
Just hold out your hand and trust in me,
Then my dear, wait and see.
Let go of the striving and trying to please,
You desire approval to feel at ease.
Your security is held tight in my hand,
As I’ve promised you Twila, the Promised Land.
Yes, of course I call you by name,
You’re uniquely separate and not the same.
Learn to be who you are,
With your own special gifts step out and apart.
Trust my Word as I speak to you,
Remember that I will see you through.
Don’t let fear keep you away,
From all I have for you each day.
You are special in my eyes and I do care,
No matter the problem, I will be there.
Even when I stray so far, even when I pull apart?
Will you still love me, will you still care?
Can I count on you to be there??
With all this striving, I get so lost,
I sin against you at such a high cost.
I push you away and do my own thing,
Then I can’t feel you near, my Lord, my King.
Your love is what I really need,
Your approval, to know that you are pleased.
To feel your heart beat with mine,
To feel your love that is so divine.
Precious daughter, as you well know,
I care for you and love you so.
I watch over you all your days,
Leading and guiding you in my ways.
I am not mad at you,
I love to see all you do.
Learning to obey won’t happen in one day,
So let me wash your frets away.
You will get there in my time,
Let go into my love that is so divine!
c. This thought may have come from Judy Hougen's book, Transformed into Fire.
1-4, 6, 8-12m 14. Hougen, Judith. Transformed into Fire: An Invitation to Life in the True Self. Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, MI. 2002.
5. Quoted from Jeanne Guyon. Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ (Sargent, Ga.; SeedSowers. 1975), 33.
7. Radmacher, E. D., Allen, R. B., & House, H. W. (1999). Nelson's new illustrated Bible commentary (Eph 2:8-10). Nashville: T. Nelson Publishers.
13. A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God. Christian Publications, Camp Hill, PA. 1993.
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